"I look at these people and can't quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of at...
If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
~ David Sedaris ~
If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
More David Sedaris quotes
"Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?
"All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.
"I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.
"A week after my drugs ran out, I left my bed to perform at the college, deciding at the last minute to skip both the doughnut toss and the march of th...
"Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
"When forced to leave my house for an extended period of time, I take my typewriter with me, and together we endure the wretchedness of passing through...
"The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'...
"The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, ...
"I attributed their behavior to the fact that they didn't have a TV, but television didn't teach you everything. Asking for candy on Halloween was call...
"Low ceiling, stone walls, a dirt floor stamped with paw prints. I never go in without announcing myself. 'Hyaa!' I yell. 'Hyaa. Hyaa!' It's the sound ...
"The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with ...
"It was one of those situations I often find myself in while traveling. Something's said by a stranger I've been randomly thrown into contact with, and...
"Mr. Mancini had a singular talent for making me uncomfortable. He forced me to consider things I’d rather not think about – the sex of my guitar, for ...
"What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis? I'll tell myself that...