Humor Quotes

God gives us relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends.

If illness' end be health regained then I Will pay you, Asculapeus, when I die.

It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered.

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

Her sleep was enlivened by several dreams. One where Professor Wanstead's bushy eyebrows fell off be...

Don’t go,” said Cedric. “Murder has made you practically one of the family.

Use that fluff of yours you call a brain.

For somewhere," said Poirot to himself, indulging in an absolute riot of mixed metaphors, "there is ...

The amount of women you hear say, "If Donald—or Arthur—or whatever his name was—had only lived." And...

I like to see an angry Englishman," said Poirot. "They are very amusing. The more emotional they fee...

Then there are some minor points that strike me as suggestive - for instance, the position of Mrs. H...

No, my friend, I am not drunk. I have just been to the dentist, and need not return for another six ...

Poirot," I said. "I have been thinking.""An admirable exercise my friend. Continue it.

You don't appreciate a faithful husband when you've got one,' said Tommy.'All my friends tell me you...

Vous eprouves trop d'emotion, Hastings, It affects your hands and your wits. Is that a way to fold a...

Bottled, was he?" Said Colonel Bantry, with an Englishman's sympathy for alcoholic excess. "Oh, well...

... Good gracious, Jerry, you'll probably have to marry the girl.'Joanna was half serious, half laug...

But when a man is really in love he can't help looking like a sheep. Now whenever that young man loo...

Two young adventurers for hire. Willing to do anything, go anywhere. Pay must be good. No reasonable...

Mr. Satterthwaite looked cheered. Suddenly an idea struck him. His jaw fell. "My goodness," he cried...

Today I will masterbate!Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written "Today I will masterbate--if...

[L]ife is a phenomenon in need of criticism, for we are, as fallen creatures, in permanent danger of...

How do I define history? It's just one fucking thing after another

I don't know how many of you have ever met Dijkstra, but you probably know that arrogance in compute...

machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Evey Hammond: Who are you? V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of what and what I am ...

The body of the last Flealouse contained the flesh of everything that had ever lived. It was content...

How did you . . . pass the time?’ Sunday asked. ‘You couldn’t just ching out of it, could you?’‘We h...

You know very well that I no longer think. I am far too intelligent for that.

I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L'Illustration. Something desp...

If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there.

Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam?Dr. Einst...

I never made one of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a se...

Never memorize something that you can look up.

It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.

Humor, motivations, moral,gods,energy,secrecy

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his he...

An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.

Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization...

I prefer to make up my own quotes and attribute them to very smart people, so that I can use them to...

When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock.So I stopped we...

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

When we first got married, we made a pact. It was this: In our life together, it was decided I would...

The three species of pine native to Wisconsin (white, red and jack) differ radically in their opinio...

Shearwater sighed, like a whale in the night.

First of all, you must never speak of anything by its name -- in that country. So, if you see a tree...

To knot a sentence up properly, it has to be thought out carefully, and revised. New phrases have to...

The nails from a suicide's coffin, and the skull of the parricide, were of course no trouble; for Ve...

May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off ever...

I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.

Don't talk for five minutes, there's a good chap! I've a strange feeling come over me--almost as if ...

One the advantages about this life is that you can hate someone without knowing him

Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.

Dieting was cruel; it was an abuse of human rights. Yes, that's what it was, and she should not allo...

She was of traditional build herself, but her figure was largely concealed by the folds of a generou...

Teachers were not allowed to beat children as they did in the past, although, Mma Ramotswe reflected...

I am his Highness' dog at Kew;Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?

How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does ...

My dear fellow " Said Albert, turning to Franz " here is an admirable adventure; we will fill our ca...

How well I know you by your deeds and how invariably you succeed in living down to what one expects ...

As it was a time of war between the Catholics and the Huguenots, and as he saw the Catholics extermi...

Had I been present at the Creation, I would have given some useful hints for the better ordering of ...

Revenge is sweet and not fattening.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Puns are the highest form of literature.

Twenty to life, she got, with time off for good behavior. You come around next spring. I'll introduc...

Philosophy, as defined by Fichte, is the "science of sciences." Its aim was to solve the problems of...

I like Dancing of Indian girls more than my parents’ prayers . Because they dance with love and pass...

My father chose my name , and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That’s enough, I myself choo...

Hey, I am thinking of it myself, in this part of world (East), we all do endeavors in praying and ar...

It was comparable to getting sick from bad ventilation

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me.

I don't know who tried to teach him what to do in the bedroom, but it must have been a furniture sal...

Who embalms the Undertaker when he dies?

Though most tourists accepted the occasional comic misadventure, it was important to them that overa...

Just because I like to suck cock doesn't make me any less American than Jesse Helms.

I really believe, or want to believe, really I am nuts, otherwise I'll never be sane.

The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs.

It is not over. Champions extend their limits and make things happen.

Everyone has the fire, but the champions know when to ignite the spark.

Girls, if a boy says something that isn't funny, you don't have to laugh.

Champions never sleep, the eternal spirit keep them alert and awake.

Treat your career like a bad boyfriend. Here's the thing. Your career won't take care of you. It won...

Is there a word for when you are young and pretending to have lived and loved a thousand lives? Is t...

Debbie Downer" was one of the few sketches where I broke, and I remember watching Heratio Sanz laugh...

You can only move if you are actually in the moment. You have to be where you are to get where you n...

Fake boobs are weird ya'll" read by Patrick Stewart.

But I was eventually okay. And you will be okay too. Here's why. I had already made a decision early...

I have the Angela Jolie of vaginas.

Now they seemed to be in a contest over who could irritate her more, and she sometimes had to remind...

Auntie Yang is not hard of hearing. She is hard of listening.

Thanks to my mother, I was raised to have a morbid imagination. When I was a child, she often talked...

The history books which contain no lies are extremely tedious

Nosferatu is the daddy of modern American sex.

It is obvious that art cannot teach anyone anything, since in four thousand years humanity has learn...

It is a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word.

But the three hundred and sixty-five authors who try to write new fairy tales are very tiresome. The...

Dear friend…'The Witcher swore quietly, looking at the sharp, angular, even runes drawn with energet...

For the moment, I am relying on the authority of Cahir aep Ceallach, the only soldier in our company...