Humor Quotes

You let me handle Marius," I said. "Now, you didn't come without you dagger.""No, I did not," he sai...

Alas, my being the James Bond of vampires isn't the whole issue. Vanity must wait.

A singer can shatter glass with the proper high note," he said, "but the simplest way to break glass...

And now to sleep, to dream...perchance to fart.

So I didn't have time to craft artful lies and evasions even if I'd wanted to.

I'm asked a lot what the best thing about cooking for a living is. And it's this: to be a part of a ...

For a moment, or a second, the pinched expressions of the cynical, world-weary, throat-cutting, mise...

To me, life without veal stock, pork fat, sausage, organ meat, demi-glace, or even stinky cheese is ...

In another telling anomaly of the meat-grinding business, many of the larger slaughterhouses will se...

They had not been long there before Lord Dumbello did group himself. 'Fine day,' he said, coming up ...

I have no will of my own. Never did. Limp and lily-livered, I always obey - is it possible that's at...

If Makar Denisych was just a clerk or a junior manager, then no one would have dared talk to him in ...

If Makar Denisych was just a clerk or a junior manager, then no one would have dared talk to him in ...

Inconvenience in progress, work is regretted.

Under every stone lurks a politician.

Lysistrata: Oh, Calonicé, my heart is on fire; I blush for our sex. Men will have it we are tricky a...

The gods too are fond of a joke.

The secret to humor is surprise.

Wit is educated insolence.

I was also going to give a graduation speech in Arizona this weekend. But with my accent, I was afra...

In accordance with the terms of the Clarke-Asimov treaty, the second-bestscience writer dedicates th...

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Slowly, Jimmy held up his outstretched hands. Men had been arguing for two hundred years about this ...

Never attribute to malevolence what is merely due to incompetence

The Chairman glared across three hundred and eighty thousand kilometers of space at Conrad Taylor, w...

Feeling extremely foolish, the acting representative of Homo sapiens watched his First Contact strid...

Just like the cosmonauts and their pee plants, all we have is each other.

Meteorites don’t fall on the Earth. They fall on the Sun and the Earth gets in the way.” - John W. C...

Picnics are very dear to those who are in the first stage of the tender passion.

It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own.

I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

The love of books is among the choicest gifts of the gods.

Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?' 'To the curious incident of the do...

No violence, gentlemen — no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!

There are always some lunatics about. It would be a dull world without them.

There were no footmarks.''Meaning that you saw none?''I assure you, sir, that there were none.''My g...

I trust that age doth not wither nor custom stale my infinite variety.

I assure you, my good Lestrade, that I have an excellent reason for everything that I do.

Pray calm yourselves. I have eleven children, and I am twenty-six times a grandma, and I have seen t...

It often happens that we blurt out things that may in some kind of way be harmful to us, but we are ...

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

The scientist believes in proof without certainty, the bigot in certainty without proof.

I hate girls that giggle all the time... You hate any girl that David looks at.

There must be something wrong with those people who think Audrey Hepburn doesn’t perspire, hiccup or...

And...I think that's what life is all about, actually,about children and flowers.

The apartment is a laboratory in which we conduct experiments, perform research on each other. We di...

I'm here to tell you, there ain't much forgiveness in that old-time religion. That particular savior...

And the news got worse. It appeared that there was this whole other person Jesus Christ whose birthd...

Then, aided by the booze, like a fool I tossed off one of those throwaway lines that would have been...

Great idea," I said. "Call the police. Call the fucking police.

Go fuck yourself," I replied, always the lady. "I'm staying here.

So this was where lust was satisfied. If I'd been an old-time miner I'd have asked for my gold nugge...

You are so lost to your higher self that you would resent me for my achievements, rather than celebr...

She tried to tear herself away from him. The effort broke against his arms that had not felt it. Her...

Over the last fifteen months we've traveled to every corner of the United States. I've now been to f...

I've got daughters. Nine years old and six years old. First of all, I'm gonna teach them about value...

I was raised the old-fashioned way, with a stern set of moral principles: Never lie, cheat, steal or...

And here is the shocking plot twist: as farmers produced those extra calories, the food industry fig...

The room looks as if a giant dog after a large lunch of food, socks, paints, trousers and pencils, w...

If the Lord hasn't got a boyfriend lined up for me to marry, that's his business.

This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 different ways to do it wrong.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading...

One man is as good as another until he has written a book.

People who say, 'Let the chips fall where they may,' usually figure they will not be hit by a chip.

Carpenter: "Call Shen Te, someone! She's good!"Shui Ta: "Certainly. She's ruined.

There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.

There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast abou...

The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.

Presumably, a confused person would be too addled to recognize that he was confused. Ergo, if you kn...

Imagine trying to live in a world dominated by dihydrogen oxide, a compound that has no taste or sme...

I turned to my own bunk and examined it with a kind of appalled fascination. If the mattress stains ...

I know a man who drives 600 yards to work. I know a woman who gets in her car to go a quarter of a m...

Hunters will tell you that a moose is a wily and ferocious forest creature. Nonsense. A moose is a c...

Nothing - really, absolutely nothing - says more about Victorian Britain and its capacity for brilli...

For anyone of a rational disposition, fashion is often nearly impossible to fathom. Throughout many ...

Perhaps the most irrational fashion act of all was the male habit for 150 years of wearing wigs. Sam...

It was an odd situation. For a century and a half, men got rid of their own hair, which was perfectl...

From that original colony sprang seven names that still feature on the landscape: Roanoke (which has...

Because of social strictures against even the mildest swearing, America developed a particularly ric...

Just a month after the completion of the Declaration of Independence, at a time when he delegates mi...

By the 1920s if you wanted to work behind a lunch counter you needed to know that 'Noah's boy' was a...

Considerable thought was given in early Congresses to the possibility of renaming the country. From ...

I know this goes without saying, but Stonehenge really was the most incredible accomplishment. It to...

By the time I had finished my coffee and returned to the streets, the rain had temporarily abated, b...

I used to give X-ray vision a lot of thought because I couldn’t see how it could work. I mean, if yo...

Mr. Schlubb, the pear-shaped PE teacher, sent us all out to run half a dozen laps around a preposter...

It’s a bit burned,” my mother would say apologetically at every meal, presenting you with a piece of...

In my day the principal concerns of university students were sex, smoking dope, rioting and learning...

As my father always used to tell me, 'You see, son, there's always someone in the world worse off th...

Why is it, I wondered, that old people are always so self-centered and excitable? But I just smiled ...

People don't talk like this, theytalklikethis. Syllables, words, sentences run together like a water...

The pleasant fact is that the British are not much good at violent crime except in fiction, which is...

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter...

And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.

And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl...there's a little voice that say, 'I wo...

If you want to be seen, stand up.If you want to be heard, speak up.If you want to be appreciated, sh...

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm...