Humor Quotes

Monkeys are superior to men in this: when a monkey looks into a mirror, he sees a monkey.

People who have babies tell me I will know a love that is beyond anything I can imagine, and a joy t...

I was an abusive, selfish, needy, angry asshole. Now I'm just kind of selfish, a little less angry, ...

She’s an absolute idiot!” she added with the wisdom invariably shown by people who, not being in lov...

She's on the stairs, ma'am, getting her breath,' said the young servant, who had not been long up fr...

If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and lis...

Pearls are congealed oyster spit.

He said, I won't have one of those things in the house. It gives a young girl a false notion of beau...

I used to jog but it's bad for the knees. Too much beta carotene turns you orange, too much calcium ...

How could I be sleeping with this particular man.... Surely only true love could justify my lack of ...

The male frog, in mating season," said Crake, "makes as much noise as it can. The females are attrac...

He was a dork, a dink, a dong… Why should the male member be used as a term of abuse? No man hated h...

I'm not senile," I snapped. "If I burn the house down it will be on purpose.

What a moron I was to think you were sweet and innocent, when it turns out you were actually college...

Not that it isn't great to see you. But it's not so great for you. What'd you do wrong? Laugh at his...

All you have to do, I tell myself, is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that har...

Think of yourselves as pearls. We, sitting in our rows, eyes down, we make her salivate morally. We ...

She looks like a very young old person, or a very old young person; but then, she's looked that way ...

There's just one thing I want you to remember. You know those chemicals women have in them, when the...

When people keep telling you that you can’t do a thing, you kind of like to try it.

George Bush isn't Hitler. He could be if he applied himself.

I have so much hate that it has turned into love.

When I'm out of politics I'm going to run a business, it'll be called rent-a-spine

I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they att...

I'm back... and you knew I was coming. On my way here I passed a cinema with the sign 'The Mummy Ret...

The process of elimination, combined with a modicum of common sense, will always assist us to arrive...

The woman is the home. That's where she used to be, and that's where she still is. You might ask me,...

Another relative?" Valek asked.A broad smile stretched Moon Man's lips. "Yes. I am her mother's uncl...

How did you-"Fool your guards? They're not very good, the forgot to check the ceiling for spiders."V...

Of course, you didn't want our help. Now I have to go beat up some soldier just to keep my ego intac...

Fear causes the dog to bite and Roze was one bitch.

Why did Mother ask you to help me rescue Gelsi?" I asked Leif."She thought I could assist you in som...

It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch."- Valek to Yelena

Hasn’t stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we’d be dead by now and would be h...

[Janco] paused. His eyes held a distant gleam as if seeing into his past. 'My first practice was a s...

I remembered my little brother, Allyn, had appeared so innocent and angelic when he slept--similar t...

Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course

I felt just the way I imagine the shade of poor old Samuel must have felt when the witch dragged him...

We lost track of which was which, but we were fairly sure that some of the creatures had been borne ...

In any case, it's the cowardice of people like you who give dictators the chance to install themselv...

You are putting yourself in serious danger...'I think that I preferred to put myself in serious dang...

Oh my!! How you've grown. Soon you'll be catching the Lord's balls.

I had learned that you should always shout louder than your aggressor.

In life you'll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it's because they're stupid...

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Since you act as though God is dead, I wanted to join you in the mourning."The reply of Martin Luthe...

But little else could deter Craig Binky, for he believed that everything about him was destined to b...

When faced with something I fear, I tend to eat spaghetti.

It may be appropriate to quote a statement of Poincare, who said (partly in jest no doubt) that ther...

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. B...

This explains why, whenever a person says sie to me, I generally try to kill him, if a stranger.

I have been scientifically studying the traits and dispositions of the “lower animals” (so-called,) ...

If a cat sits on a hot stove, that cat won't sit on a hot stove again. That cat won't sit on a cold ...

I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to wr...

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my ...

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minut...

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all lef...

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."]

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are ...

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed ...

Nature has no originality--I mean, no large ability in the matter of inventing new things, new ideas...

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.

The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.

If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times...

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.

I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there lest w...

It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedo...

Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.

An honest politician is an oxymoron.

A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table ...

It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

This nation is like all the others that have been spewed upon the earth--ready to shout for any caus...

Humor is tragedy plus time.

Familiarity breeds contempt and children.

The government of my country snubs honest simplicity but fondles artistic villainy, and I think I mi...

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to pr

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

I can last two months on a good compliment.

Which is him?" The grammar was faulty, maybe, but we could not know, then, that it would go in a boo...

Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

He had had much experience of physicians, and said 'the only way to keep your health is to eat what ...

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.