Humor Quotes

Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchc...

My people, we stay indoors. We have keyboards. We have darkness.

I know that David Tennant's Hamlet isn't till July. And lots of people are going to be doing Dr Who ...

The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-de...

Fuck you," said Czernobog. "Fuck you and fuck your mother and fuck the fucking horse you fucking rod...

You know, one time I saw Tiger down at the water hole: he had the biggest testicles of any animal, a...

Hey," said Shadow. "Huginn or Muninn, or whoever you are." The bird turned, head tipped, suspiciousl...

I'm a mother," said her mother, in her foodless flat where the dust did not dare to settle, "and I k...

He was having more fun than a barrelful of monkeys.**Several years earlier Spider had actually been ...

Everybody going to be dead one day, just give them time.

Fat Charlie wondered what Rosie's mother would usually hear in a church. Probably just cries of "Bac...

Right," said Fat Charlie conversationally. "You realize, of course, that this means war." It was the...

Of course, everyone's parents are embarrassing. It goes with the territory. The nature of parents is...

How do I know you'll keep your word?" asked Coraline."I swear it," said the other mother. "I swear i...

Being a geological formation gives you a lot of time to think. Also, I subscribed to a number of lea...

I think that there should have been some nice wumpires," said my sister, wistfully. "Nice, handsome,...

It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of...

I mean, d'you know what eternity is? There's this big mountain, see, a mile high, at the end of the ...

You're Hell's Angels, then? What chapter are you from?''REVELATIONS. CHAPTER SIX.

There are some dogs which, when you meet them, remind you that, despite thousands of years of man-ma...

Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, ...

I don't see why it matters what is written. Not when it's about people. It can always be crossed out...

Along with the standard computer warranty agreement which said that if the machine 1) didn't work, 2...

25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying 'Where is the flaming swo...

He couldn’t see why people made such a fuss about people eating their silly old fruit anyway, but li...

Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers.

He had heard about talking to plants in the early seventies, on Radio Four, and thought it was an ex...

Note for Americans and other aliens: Milton Keynes is a new city approximately halfway between Londo...

The abbot cleared his throat. "You are all very stupid people," he told them graciously, "and you do...

The thin girl was gulping down one of Richard's bananas in what was, Richard reflected, the least er...

What a refreshing mind you have, young man. There really is nothing quite like total ignorance, is t...

She smiled again. "Do you like cat?" she said."Yes," said Richard. "I quite like cats."Anaesthesia l...

[Dream] I do not want a grape.[Desire] I could make you want one.

He was painfully shy, which, as is often the manner of the painfully shy, he overcompensated for by ...

There is a proverbial saying chiefly concerned with warning against too closely calculating the nume...

He shivered. His coat was thin, and it was obvious he would not get his kiss, which he found puzzlin...

I would not wish to marry someone who had already been married. It would be,' she opined, 'like havi...

Traveling through the Dragon's Den, it has just been explained that Haroun, the Ifrit, has been caug...

Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas.

Name the different kinds of people,’ said Miss Lupescu. ‘Now.’Bod thought for a moment. ‘The living,...

I read the fuck out of every book I can get my hands on.

• They’re like chickens who get out of the henhouse, and they’re so proud of themselves, and so puff...

The house in the story is based on my friend Tori's house in Kinsale, Ireland, which is obviously no...

In 5-billion years the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth v...

Don’t know if it’s good or bad that a Google search on “Big Bang Theory” lists the sitcom before the...

If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end...

Down there between our legs, it's like an entertainment complex in the middle of a sewage system. Wh...

All that I've learned, I've forgotten. The little that I still know, I've guessed.

One of my father's RULES FOR LIFE was to marry a woman who was smarter than you. "I did this," he wo...

Its easy to fall for someone that will find humor in every situation.

That's good. And speaking of spelling, tell me -- do you wrap your head in a towel after you shower?

If you're going to sit on someone's tombstone, you might as well know something about them, right?

For desert, maybe we can split a couple of crumbs.

Daddy loved his son. Daddy believed his son walked on water. Daddy, Mike had long ago decided, was a...

I’m forever near a stereo saying, ‘What the fuck is this garbage?’ And the answer is always the Red ...

I’m stuck babysitting turtle eggs while a volleyball player slash grease monkey slash aquarium volun...

Mom says it's because she has PMS.Do you even know what that means?"I'm not a little kid anymore. It...

You’re seeing someone else, aren’t you?" Seeing someone else? How on earth could that explain any of...

Because . . . most of us think that the point is something to do with work, or kids, or family, or w...

Look at all the things that can go wrong for men. There’s the nothing-happening-at-all problem, the ...

But I want to see Clara, Charlie's friend, who's right up my street. I want to see her because I don...

contemporary poetry is a kind of Reykjavik, a place where accessibility and intelligence have been f...

Where would David Copperfield be if Dickens had gone to writing classes? Probably about seventy mino...

Books are, let's face it, better than everything else. If we played Cultural Fantasy Boxing League, ...

Anyone and everyone taking a writing class knows that the secret of good writing is to cut it back, ...

I've fallen in love with baseball.

But had I accepted the pickle juice, I would be drinking pickle juice right now.

Life is and will ever remain an equation incapable of solution, but it contains certain known factor...

The longer and more carefully we look at a funny story, the sadder it becomes.

It was certainly not this mummified and outrageously painted old woman he was seeing before him, but...

You can knock on a deaf man's door forever.

(on learning Westlife had beaten Oasis, U2 and The Beatles in an album chart battle in November 2006...

Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.

He's like a man with a fork, in a world of soup. (about his brother Liam)

I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regrettedmost of them, but never the potatoes tha...

There's a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don't look the way they used to, and it's not because o...

Every so often I would look at my women friends who were happily married and didn't cook, and I woul...

When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy...

I love trash. I have never believed that kitsch kills. I tell you this, so you will understand that ...

When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first, that way in case I die before I finish, I ...

Bouillabaisse is only good because cooked by the French, who, if they cared to try, could produce an...

Writer’s block is only a failure of the ego.

Wit ought to be a glorious treat, like caviar. Never spread it about like marmalade.

If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry.

Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental.

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whene...

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

Parsley is gharsley.

Very Like a WhaleOne thing that literature would be greatly the better forWould be a more restricted...

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs.

In this, then, lies their power of understanding--understanding, without words, what is authentic or...

Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.

…he quit drinking coffee, and naturally, his brain stopped working.

Does it help if we're so strong-willed, stubborn, ambitious, and selfish that we always overcome eve...

This emotion I'm feeling now, this is love, right?""I don't know. Is it a longing? Is it a giddy stu...

Miro, I'm so sorry. I always felt such pity for you humans because you could only think of one thing...

As the doctor treated the wound, Mazer said, " I don't care how much you eat, Ender, self-cannibalis...

Peter, you're twelve years old. I'm ten. They have a word for people our age. They call us children ...

You're a monster.Thanks. Does this mean I get a raise?No, just a medal. The budget isn't inexhaustab...

You frighten me, when you say there isn't time.""I don't see why. Christians have been expecting the...