Humor Quotes

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile...

I made this [letter] very long, because I did not have the leisure to make it shorter.

I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter.", 1657)

I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it sho

I put a chameleon on a red dildo... He blushed

Well, man, you know what they say."No, I don't. I don't know what they say. I don't even know who th...

They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

wash the brush, just beats the devil out of it

They say everything looks better with odd numbers of things. But sometimes I put even numbers—just t...

We were fighting about nothing important while dreaming of the same things.

Oh, friend John, it is a strange world, a sad world, a world full of miseries, and woes and troubles...

I have read of a gentleman who owned a so fine house in London, and when he went for months of summe...

I try to avoid having thoughts. They lead to other thoughts, and—if you’re not careful—those lead to...

I froze, shocked. (And don't try to claim that you did anything different the first time a governmen...

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.It's really funny.

People can do great things. However, there are some things they just CAN'T do. I, for instance, have...

The ending of a book is, in my experience, both the best and worst part to read. For the ending will...

I'm convinced that responsibility is some kind of psychological disease.

Yes, Bastille. I keep trying to get killed because it's inconvenient for you.

People don't read anymore. And, when they do, they don't read books like this one, but instead read ...

Personally, I like it much better when someone else does the decision making. That way you have legi...

Emergency? Knighthawk sent. I’m just bored.I blinked, holding my phone and rereading that text.Bored...

Don’t do anything stupid.""Don’t worry," I whispered over the line, "I’m an expert on stupid.""You’r...

You'll want something mid-range. A 5.56 all right?""I suppose.""AR-15?""Ugh. AR-15? I'd rather not h...

We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and ...

Thank you. For being willing to talk. For not turning me in. For... being you.''I'm pretty good at b...

Actually, [Wax] said, we came here because we needed someplace safe to think for a few hours."Ranett...

Wayne: You wanna know why I really came to find you?Waxilliam: Why?Wayne: I thought of you happy in ...

Oh, Wax has always been solemn, but when he's at his best, there's a smirk underneath.

It’s what happens when you shoot someone,” Wayne pointed out. “At least, usually someone has the goo...

Wayne's a little attached to that hat," Waxillium said. "He thinks it's lucky."Wayne: "It is lucky. ...

Marsh: Our best efforts were never even a mild annoyance to the Lord Ruler."Kelsier: Ah, but being a...

Attacking a provincial lord in his manor house, surrounded by guards...Honestly, Kell, I'd nearly fo...

Are there any religions on your list that include the slaughter of noblemen as a holy duty?

Breeze strolled over to the table and chose a seat with his characteristic decorum. The portly man r...

You should try not to talk so much, friend. You'll sound far less stupid that way.- Breeze

One can have a wit, but not a witless

I point out truths when I see them, Brightlord Sadeas. Each man has his place. Mine is to make insul...

Does the king know you're back?""Nope! I'm trying to think of a properly dramatic way to inform him....

It was amazing how many books one could fit into a room, assuming one didn't want to move around ver...

Elend: I kind of lost track of time…Breeze: For two hours?Elend: There were books involved.

What a pair they were - a Mistborn who felt guilty wasting coins to jump and a nobleman who thought ...

You're a very difficult person to manipulate, you know.""Nonsense," he said. "You just have to promi...

Llarimar had told him to do his best. That sounded like an awful lot of work. Unfortunately, doing n...

I swear, my dear. Sometimes our conversations remind me of a broken sword."She raised an eyebrow."Sh...

More wine," Lightsong said, raising his cup."You can't get drunk, Your Grace," Llarimar noted. "Your...

Why, if you only knew the secrets to which I'm p

I like visiting people in prison. I can say whatever I want to them, and they can’t do anything abou...

Are you that afraid of being wrong? One would assume you’d be accustomed to it by now.”He grunted. “...

So the gods,” Moash said, nursing his own drink, “were pleased that you solved problems on your own ...

Chana knows, I wondered sometimes how I raised that child without strangling her. By age six, [Jasna...

Why hasn't anyone killed him yet?”“Dumb luck,” Wit said. “In that I’m lucky you’re all so dumb.

I’m sorry that your mystical, godlike powers do not instantly work as you would like them to.

I have to say, old friend, you were supposed to help train her, not drop her off a cliff.

This is a lot more satisfying," he said, "when I have intelligent life whom I can render awed, rapt ...

so, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT ...

I have to return some videotapes

At Columbus Circle, a juggler wearing a trench cloak and top hat, who is usually at this location af...

There are three known planets in the PSR B1257 system, which have been named Draugr, Poltergeist and...

You have 62 people worth the amount the bottom three and a half billion people are worth. Sixty-two ...

That’s why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn’...

...quantum mechanics—the physics of our world—requires that you hold such pedestrian complaints in a...

It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working ou...

I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that's ...

Albatrosses and penguins are the last birds I'd want to murder.

Someday we'll look back on this and it will all seem funny.

(talking about his father) 230 pounds of nickels in Sears slacks.

Watch out for a man whose enemies keep disappearing.

A good many times I have been present at gatherings of people who, by the standards of the tradition...

The true reader reads every work seriously in the sense that he reads it whole-heartedly, makes hims...

The madrigore of verjuice must be talthibianised.

The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, 'What? You too? I thought I wa...

Justice shall be mixed with mercy. You shall not always be an Ass.

Oh-my-Father-and-oh-the-delight-of-my-eyes," began the young man, muttering the words very quickly a...

Your patient has become humble; have you drawn his attention to the fact? All virtues are less formi...

[M]an has been accustomed, ever since he was a boy, to having a dozen incompatible philosophies danc...

She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression.

Adventures are never fun while you're having them.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but...

Daddy, how come in Kansas City the bagels taste like just round bread?

I like the smell of my Grandma's soap - I used to sit in the bath and eat it.

The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matc...

It's a lazy Saturday afternoon, there's a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannic...

Observation: I can’t see a thing.Conclusion: Dinosaurs.

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniu...

The others would then fall silent and she would continue about doped gallium arsenide detectors, or ...

There is something stunningly narrow about how the Anthropic Principle is phrased. Yes, only certain...

If you want to save your child from polio, you can pray or you can inoculate. ... Choose science.

To work hard, to live hard, to die hard, and then go to hell after all would be too damn hard.

I knew then that I would devote every minute we had left together to making her happy, to repairing...

... And what am I to do?""Well, that depends. Do you like the girl?""Like her? I don't know. How do ...

I discovered that seventeen-year-old girls have such huge verbal energy that their brain drives them...

I've always said that idleness dulls the spirit. We have to keep the brain busy, or at least the han...

People talk too much. Humans aren't descended from monkeys. They come from parrots.

Man...heats up like a lightbulb: red hot in the twinkling of an eye and cold again in a flash. The f...

There's no room for demons when you're self-possessed.

Suzanne sat in Roger's chair, staring at the reflection of her dread morning face. Roger browsed his...

ligion is the opiate of the masses." "I did masses of opiates religiously.

While she'd been drying her hair, she'd come up with a new message for her answering machine - "I'm ...

Actually, I am a failed anorexic. I have anorexic thinking, but I can't seem to muster the behavoir