Humor Quotes

As humans, we have invented lots of useful kinds of lie. As well as lies-to-children ('as much as th...

Wizards don’t believe in gods. They didn’t deny their existence, of course. They just didn’t believe...

When Geoffrey was away, the goat often took himself off. He had soon got the goats at Granny’s cotta...

. . . Mrs. Arcanum considered foreign parts only marginally less unspeakable than private parts. . .

The purr is very important. It's the purr that does it every time. It's the purr that makes up for t...

Anyway, lots of warrior tribes think that when they die, they go to a heavenly land somewhere," said...

Then Tak looked upon the stone and it was trying to come alive, and Tak smiled, and wrote All things...

You’d better tell me what you know, toad,” said Tiffany. “Miss Tick isn’t here. I am.”“Another world...

That's No'-as-big-as-Medium-Sized-Jock-but-bigger-than-Wee-Jock-Jock, mistress,' said Not-as-big-as-...

And people think she killed him?" said Miss Tick. She sighed. "They probably think she cooked him in...

Captain Vimes believed in logic, in much the same way as a man in a desert believed in ice -- i.e., ...

Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some ...

Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.

Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all und...

I’m not superstitious. I’m a witch. Witches aren’t superstitious. We are what people are superstitio...

Gossiping's part of witchcraft,' said Tiffany. 'They're checking to see if they've gone batty yet.

The trouble is you can shut your eyes but you can’t shut your mind.

Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side!

Yes, she'd made a mistake... but she wasn't going to be bullied. You couldn't let boys go around rai...

That's Third Thoughts for you. When a huge rock is going to land on your head, they're the thoughts ...

I dinna want to disappoint ye, but we's in a cellar right here, and it's full o' tatties.'After a wh...

Tiffany got up early and lit the fires. When her mother came down, she was scrubbing the kitchen flo...

What some people need," said Magrat, to the world in general, "is a bit more heart.""What some peopl...

Humanity's a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there.

Progress just means bad things happen faster.

Wisdom is one of the few things that looks bigger the further away it is.

Stories don't care who takes part in them. All that matters if that the story gets told, that the st...

Cats gravitate to kitchens like rocks gravitate to gravity.

I heard this story once," she said, "where this bloke got locked up for years and years and he learn...

A man walked across the moors from Razorback to Lancre town without seeing a single marshlight, head...

At last the magic caught, and she managed to vault clumsily onto it before it trundled into the nigh...

Witches just aren’t like that,” said Magrat. “We live in harmony with the great cycles of Nature, an...

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

This book was written using 100% recycled words.

We ain’t going to curse anyone,” said Granny firmly. “It hardly ever works if they don’t know you’ve...

We got the spell exactly right. Except for the ingredients. And most of the poetry. And it probably ...

Things that try to look like things often do look more like things than things.

Everywhere's been where it is ever since it was first put there. It's called geography.

The Fool held his breath. On long nights on the hard flagstones he had dreamed of women like her. Al...

Destiny was funny stuff, he knew. You couldn’t trust it. Often you couldn’t even see it. Just when y...

In this country we have no place for hyphenated Americans.

Why do you talk all the time?” I asked. It was a rhetorical question, but she cocked her head on one...

I thumped her on the back, picked her up and dropped her on top of her dungarees. “Put them pants on...

The alternative is to locate large deposits of specifically what we need, and extract it in bulk fro...

If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from ro...

Kiss my foot, sir; my face is for mouths of consequence.

He is as good as anybody in this parish! He is very particular, too, about going to church-yes, he i...

This supreme instance of Troy's goodness fell upon Gabriel's ears like the thirteenth stroke of a cr...

If the story-tellers could ha' got decency and good morals from true stories, who'd have troubled to...

Everybody must be managed. Queens must be managed. Kings must be managed, for men want managing almo...

There's a friendly tie of some sort between music and eating.

When Eve upon the first of MenThe apple press’d with specious cant,Oh! what a thousand pities thenTh...

Modern literature is a north-east wind--a blight of the human soul. I take credit to myself for havi...

When Scythrop grew up, he was sent, as usual, to a public school, where a little learning was painfu...

But before any of the small appliances who may be listening to this tale should begin to think that ...

Here was a flower (the daisy reflected) strangely like itself and yet utterly unlike itself too. Suc...

Laboring through a world every day more stultified, which expected salvation in codes and government...

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the ki...

Father, we come to You, Father, in the name of the Father, Father we come to You, Father, Father, ju...

We have our own language. Christianese... We don't say 'He's out of his mind,' no, we say 'That's ou...

I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflect...

I have a suspicion - and hear me out, 'cause this is a rough one - I have a suspicion that the defin...

...Whenever someone says to me, 'Jerry Lewis says women aren't funny,' or 'Christopher Hitchens says...

When did you first feel like a grown woman and not a girl?” We wrote down our answers and shared the...

There's a Drunk Midget in My HouseAh, babies! They're more than just adorable little creatures on wh...

Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around tha...

I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Comple...

My dad looks like Clint Eastwood. His half-Scottish, half-German face in repose is handsome but terr...

Most photographers have some kind of verbal patter going on when they shoot: "Great. Turn to me. Big...

The first rule of improvisation is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When you're improvising, this me...

The second rule of improvisation is not only to say yes, but YES, AND. You are supposed to agree and...

Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry....

Anytime there's a bad female stand-up somewhere, some dickhead Interblogger will deduce that “women ...

I would not trade any of these features for anybody else’s. I wouldn’t trade the small thin-lipped m...

Do your thing and don't care if they like it.

If after hearing my songs just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or per...

Necessity is the mother of invention, which probably explains why invention’s father left home on th...

The notion that inspired play (even when audacious, offensive, or obscene) enhances rather than dimi...

No. No, it was a lonely writer I met one stormy day in Laguna Beach. He had a poem about Thelonious ...

Whether a man is a criminal or a public servant is purely a matter of perspective.

...disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business....

All depression has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves t...

On their sofas of spice and feathers, the concubines also slept fretfully. In those days the Earth w...

Who knows how to make love stay?1. Tell love you are going to Junior's Deli on Flatbush Avenue in Br...

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this...

Are You Ready for New Urban Fragrances?Yeah, I guess I'm ready, but listen:Perfume is a disguise. Si...

THOMASINA:But then the Egyptian noodle made carnal embrace with the enemy who burned the great libra...

We're actors — we're the opposite of people!

My kids are starting to notice I'm a little different from the other dads. "Why don't you have a str...

New York, of course, is to be in endless surreal situations where a fifty-thousand dollar, gun-metal...

All men have parties and are pals who never let each other down. A pal can say terrible things which...

It's a powerful experience, shitting. There's something magical about it, profound even. I think God...

That isn't writing at all, it's typing.

Well, I'm about as tall as a shotgun, and just as noisy.

I believe more in the scissors than I do in the pencil.

The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above "functionally retarded".

People, heed my warning: That stuff is Specials Olympics in a pint glass. You think they are harmles...

I'm fresh out of fucks to give.

I don't understand how people canstand next to you one year,and next year, they cannot. They're goin...