"

No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards sho...more

"

Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.

"

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

"

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an ...more

"

It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.

"

I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?

"

Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair.

"

If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on th...more

"

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

"

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

"

Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:Yes.Yes.No.One time in high school.Three times in my twenties.Rocks no salt.Yes.Four.Never. And how dare you!I w...more

"

Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of "I think I'm a loser," try "I definitely am a loser." Stop being wishy-washy about...more

"

When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn't try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, "You may regret this," would have ...more

"

There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where's the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones...more