Funny Quotes

Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.

POZZO:I am blind.(Silence.)ESTRAGON:Perhaps he can see into the future.

My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good...

And so really, you have given me no choice but to take you shopping byforce.” She sighed, then reach...

Shit," Delia said. "I mean, shoot. No, actually, I mean shit. I really do.

Fifteen minutes later, a meeting was called. "Okay, look." Deb's face was dead serious. "I know I ju...

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.

It's a required part of your film history to know who Woody is. His movies are so wonderful, and not...

Jean grinned down at her, and she handed him something in a small silk bag.'What's this?''Lock of my...

Get used to gaps in your comprehension,” said Sabetha. “The rest of us certainly have.

Endure for another day, Mister Tannen, and you'll have all the foul black misuse of water you can dr...

I cannot go to school today"Said little Peggy Ann McKay."I have the measles and the mumps,A gash, a ...

Larry’s such a liar---He tells outrageous lies.He says he’s ninety-nine years oldInstead of only fiv...

THE UNOFFICIAL AND UNWRITTEN(but you better follow them or you’re going to get beaten twice as hard)...

Somebody dies and people eat your food. Funny how that works.

You read a book for the story, for each of its words," Gordy said, "and you draw your cartoons for t...

[Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn't have left behind the FRICKING REASON...

I liked comedy as a kid. When I was a kid, I'd go to sleep to, like, Bill Cosby albums every night. ...

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these sta...

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—th...

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Child...

So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impa...

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

I am, he thought dimly, watching a vampire take a piss.

All right I think we've been down here in the dark long enough. There's a whole other world upstairs...

You ought to sue that son of a whore

Four young men in motorcycle jackets... set upon the man in khaki shorts and beat him unconscious wi...

What we’ve got here is a lunatic genius ghost-in-the-computer monorail that likes riddles and goes f...

Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.

Try not to trip," she added. "We don't have time for a concussion today."I groaned. That would be ju...

He thinks things through too much.

I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me.

Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deepe...

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be...

I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact...

Save your explanations, I got some questions for you first and you'd better answer them!' [slurred H...

Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.The Doctor: Believe me... It was ...

The Doctor: I've seen bigger.Clara: Really?The Doctor: Are you joking? It's massive!

Language-lovers know that there is a word for every fear. Are you afraid of wine? Then you have oeno...

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keep...

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

Hermits have no peer pressure.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and...

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast...

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I thought it would be a funny concept to publish a book about stand-up comedy with Faber, the poetry...

Lunch makes me feel a bit better.

hey. I just wanted to make sure you got home," I say. "Katniss, I live three houses away from you," ...

I'm going to wake Peeta," I say."No, wait," says Finnick. "Let's do it together. Put our faces right...

Why...do you find this...distracting?

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

Agreed," I say. "It's going to be a long hour.""Maybe not that long," says Peeta." what was that you...

She's Prim's size in diameter.

It's just my natural way - to be funny. I don't know why that is. But as I've said, humor is a quick...

Dear DiaryWent out shopping today. Picked up half a dozen sheep, two pigs, and a princess. The sheep...

Whatever my ancestors did to you, none of them consulted me.

I haven't met that many women, human or angelic, who actually like to drive. In my experience they s...

Not one word," Kel warned. "Tobe and I have reached an understanding." Neal's lips twitched. "Why do...

I knew it!" he cried, jubilant. "I thought 'twas you, but there's more of you now. You should've see...

I was never afraid of anything in the world except the dentist.

If I only had a little humility, I would be perfect.

All your Western theologies, the whole mythology of them, are based on the concept of God as a senil...

It was the kind of storm that suggests the whole sky has swallowed a diuretic.

Might have just been an innocent bystander, sir,’ said Carrot'What, in Ankh-Morpork?’Yes, sir.’‘We s...

- "Surely you have considered terrorist activity?"There was another pause. Then the spokesman said, ...

You see a wile, you thwart. Am I right?

Adventure! People talked about the idea as if it were something worthwhile, rather than a mess of ba...

He looked at her defiantly, and she thought: and so one at a time we all become human—human werewolv...

Here you are. Would you like some pickles?”“Pickles gives me the wind something awful.”“In that case...

But the purpose of the book is not the horror, it is horror's defeat.

Might have just been an innocent bystander, sir,’ said Carrot‘What, in Ankh-Morpork?’‘Yes, sir.’‘We ...

Cheese runners shouted at it, tried to grab it, and flailed at it with sticks, but the piratical che...

Well, child? Aren't you going to try to turn me into some kind of unspeakable creature?I don't think...

Ricewind had always relied on running away. But somerimes, perhaps, you had to stand and fight, if o...

Good so be would you if, duff plum of helping second A," said the Bursar. The table fell silent. "D...

Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!

The elevator shaft was a kind of heat sink. Hot food was cold by the time it arrived. Cold food got ...

I never said nothing...""I know you never! I could hear you not saying anything! You've got the loud...

It wasn't that Nanny Ogg sang badly. It was just that she could hit notes which, when amplified by a...

She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she tu...

. . . you worked for Harry King, they said, because a broken leg was bad for business, and Harry Kin...

Whole new theories of money were growing here like mushrooms: in the dark and based on bullshit.

You're not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you?""Only a man would thi...

Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy...

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.

People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who did...

(About sweeping)....What he was in FACT doing was moving the dirt around with a broom, to give it a ...

Dwarfs were not a naturally religious species, but in a world where pit props could crack without wa...

Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was.Where people went ...

But the helmet had gold decoration, and the bespoke armorers had made a new gleaming breastplate wit...

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged

It was a fine summer morning, the kind to make a man happy to be alive. And probably the man *would*...

The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord." Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. ...

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.