Funny Quotes

If I only had a little humility, I would be perfect.

All your Western theologies, the whole mythology of them, are based on the concept of God as a senil...

It was the kind of storm that suggests the whole sky has swallowed a diuretic.

Might have just been an innocent bystander, sir,’ said Carrot'What, in Ankh-Morpork?’Yes, sir.’‘We s...

- "Surely you have considered terrorist activity?"There was another pause. Then the spokesman said, ...

You see a wile, you thwart. Am I right?

Adventure! People talked about the idea as if it were something worthwhile, rather than a mess of ba...

He looked at her defiantly, and she thought: and so one at a time we all become human—human werewolv...

Here you are. Would you like some pickles?”“Pickles gives me the wind something awful.”“In that case...

But the purpose of the book is not the horror, it is horror's defeat.

Might have just been an innocent bystander, sir,’ said Carrot‘What, in Ankh-Morpork?’‘Yes, sir.’‘We ...

Cheese runners shouted at it, tried to grab it, and flailed at it with sticks, but the piratical che...

Well, child? Aren't you going to try to turn me into some kind of unspeakable creature?I don't think...

Ricewind had always relied on running away. But somerimes, perhaps, you had to stand and fight, if o...

Good so be would you if, duff plum of helping second A," said the Bursar. The table fell silent. "D...

Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!

The elevator shaft was a kind of heat sink. Hot food was cold by the time it arrived. Cold food got ...

I never said nothing...""I know you never! I could hear you not saying anything! You've got the loud...

It wasn't that Nanny Ogg sang badly. It was just that she could hit notes which, when amplified by a...

She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she tu...

. . . you worked for Harry King, they said, because a broken leg was bad for business, and Harry Kin...

Whole new theories of money were growing here like mushrooms: in the dark and based on bullshit.

You're not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you?""Only a man would thi...

Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy...

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.

People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who did...

(About sweeping)....What he was in FACT doing was moving the dirt around with a broom, to give it a ...

Dwarfs were not a naturally religious species, but in a world where pit props could crack without wa...

Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was.Where people went ...

But the helmet had gold decoration, and the bespoke armorers had made a new gleaming breastplate wit...

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged

It was a fine summer morning, the kind to make a man happy to be alive. And probably the man *would*...

The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord." Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. ...

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make...

Life is never all one thing. It bounces around. Certainly, my own life has. Look at Woody Allen's fu...

Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around tha...

There are different types of fancy photographers. Some are big, fun personalities like Mario Testino...

I was walking home alone from school and I was wearing a dress. A dude drove by and yelled, "Nice ti...

My parents raised me that you never ask people about their reproductive plans. “You don’t know their...

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In wha...

Humor has become so cliche and boring that nothing's funny anymore unless it involves something tota...

If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay.

Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh.

It's funny how the music industry is enraged about the Internet and the way things are copied withou...

I like marriage. The idea.

Pearls' burst out the Snork Maiden excitedly. 'Could ankle rings be made out of pearls?''I should th...

Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a...

Can you be a girl for a few seconds?""I'm always a girl" I frown."You know what I mean. Like a silly...

Be careful, though.""Aren't I always?""No, I think the word for how you usually are is 'reckless.

Tris," he says. "What did they do to you? You're acting like a lunatic.""That's not very nice of you...

So you’re her brother?” says Lynn. “I guess we know who got the good genes.”I laugh at the expressio...

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic i...

(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean agai...

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in...

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

There was a few seconds' pause. Then Amit said: I meant, what were you thinking just now.When? said ...

I feel my brains, like a pear, to see if it's ripe; it will be exquisite by September.

I should need to be a herd of elephants, I thought, and a wilderness of spiders, desperately referri...

For if it is rash to walk into a lion's den unarmed, rash to navigate the Atlantic in a rowing boat,...

Leave your incidental Dick.

His life was a constant war with insensate objects that fell apart, or attacked him, or refused to f...

Quand celui à qui l'on parle ne comprend pas et celui qui parle ne se comprend pas, c'est de la méta...

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.

I had liked him for all the wrong reasons.

You want me to be a man,older than you, who goes by the name of Roullard.

Pure unadulterated success is not as funny as failure.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

All you have in comedy, in general, is just going with your instincts. You can only hope that other ...

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are.

Civilization begins with distillation

One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, an...

Mr Moss's courtyard is railed in like a cage, lest the gentlemen who are boarding with him should ta...

If she did not wish to lead a virtuous life, at least she desired to enjoy a character for virtue, a...

Took me a while to get to the point today, but that is because I did not know what the point was whe...

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be ther...

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depress...

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty da...

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I can't go on Gawker. I actually think the writing is really funny, but there is a chance that someb...

Sites like Funny or Die and College Humor are great, but I'd say it's appealing to 80% men and 20% w...

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.

Use that fluff of yours you call a brain.

You don't appreciate a faithful husband when you've got one,' said Tommy.'All my friends tell me you...

Vous eprouves trop d'emotion, Hastings, It affects your hands and your wits. Is that a way to fold a...

Mr. Satterthwaite looked cheered. Suddenly an idea struck him. His jaw fell. "My goodness," he cried...

When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, ...

Bob Dole used to be really funny. Barney Frank can be kind of funny. Bob Kerrey has a good sense of ...

WHAT DO WE WANT?! PATIENCE! WHEN DO WE WANT IT?! NOW!

The one thing I think I've noticed about shows that are supposed to be funny on television is that t...

You know very well that I no longer think. I am far too intelligent for that.