Funny Quotes

Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid fo...

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you ord...

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries...

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, peopl...

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite th...

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to ...

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every ...

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery perio...

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good...

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

We sat on the floor for dinner. Ananya's father passed me a banana leaf. I wondered if i had to eat ...

...I'm worried I will leave grad school and no longer be able to speak English. I know this woman in...

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black gu...

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If a homeless person has a funny sign, he hasn't been homeless for that long. A real homeless person...

Religion is a totalitarian belief. It is the wish to be a slave. It is the desire that there be an u...

I'm healthy as an ox. And you?" "To compare myself with a bovine would be both ridiculous and insult...

Yes it is" Eragon said before his courage left him "just like you

Go slowly, so that you do not bite your tail by accident.

According to the rules of comedy, your suffering will be funny after an undetermined length of time....

They told me that nothing was a sin, just a poor life choice. Poor impulse control. That nothing is ...

Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.

She says, "I'll swear by the rose tattooed on my ass, that old man raped me."Here, the funeral parad...

It's funny with jeans now, because if they don't feel like a pair of sweatpants, I don't have patien...

Is there any good news?' Tesla

Come here, cat. You wouldn’t want to destroy the space-time continuum, would you? Meow. Meow.

What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of li...

Are imperfections is which make we grate.

We must eschew anything trivial. We must embrace all that is frivolous.... Trivial things take up al...

It's funny, because in 1970 I met the Beatles quite by a chance at a party. It was the Beethoven bic...

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on slut...

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

You know Quinn?" Macaulay asked me."Ten minutes ago I was putting him to bed."Macaulay grinned. "I h...

Don't be so damned patronizing. Your performance so far has been a little less than dazzling.""I did...

...I guess I can put two and two together.""Sometimes the answer's four," I said, "and sometimes it'...

Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see wi...

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how

maybe somebody finally shot the dog.

The girl says "Oh uh-uh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just because I'm dressed this way does not ma...

He was warm, partly because he had on many layers, and partly because boys whoa re part wolf and par...

I hung up the phone, jubilant, and threw myself into a wall, then pretended to be getting electrocut...

The online music magazine Pitchfork once wrote that I would collaborate with anyone for a bag of Dor...

But at times words can be a dangerous addition to music — they can pin it down. Words imply that the...

Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm

she committed suicide by putting her extremities down the garbage disposal-first one arm and then, k...

When he smoked marijuana he tended to masterbate a great deal.

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed...

So you're here by yourself?"“Yes."“Seems like an odd place to come by yourself."“I needed to get awa...

I think I exist, therefore I exist. I think.

So you're here by yourself?"“Yes."“Seems like an odd place to come by yourself."“I needed to get awa...

As is perhaps obvious, Morris Zapp had no great esteem for his fellow-labourers in the vineyards of ...

In the Belgian backwaters, south of Bruges, there lives a reclusive English composer, named Vyvyan A...

I lost my balance when the train pulled away, but a human crumple zone buffered my fall. We stayed l...

The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing ...

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as lo...

Owl love you forever

The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.

I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I coul...

Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian's greasy hair was thick with potat...

In this world only the paranoid survive.

Listen, I'd rather lie naked in a plowed field under an incontinent horse for a week than have to re...

Steffie took my hand and we walked past the fruit bins, an area that extended about forty-five yards...

Immature citizens in several sizes were massed before a large factorylike structure where advanced t...

Stomp stomp. Whirr. Pleased to be of service.Shut up.Thank you.Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr....

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Things hit a limit, though, when I was set upon by a pickpocket in a baker's shop. I didn't notice t...

Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to supp...

Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple.""Ah, well, I'm not sure I ...

We already have the Wooden Pillar, the Steel Pillar and the Plastic Pillar. In a moment we will have...

Arthur shook his head and sat down. He looked up.“I thought you must be dead …” he said simply.“So d...

Fenchurch had red mullet and said it was delicious.Arthur had a swordfish steak and said it made him...

He sniggered.He didn't like to think of himself as the sort of person who giggled or sniggered, but ...

The Ultimate Answer to Life, The Universe and Everything is...42!

Same as you, Arthur. I hitched a ride. After all, with a degree in maths and another in astrophysics...

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

He looks like a horse in a man costume!

Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.

Try to find someone with a sense of humor. That's an important thing to have because when you get in...

Every now and then, when I think about it, I think, 'What would I even talk about onstage?' It's nev...

I'm 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I'm playing right where I'm supposed to be. I'm...

It's funny, when bands or younger musicians ask me: 'So, what does it take to make it?' Well, first ...

[When asked about his thoughts on gods]I think it's like a movie that was way too popular. It's a st...

I am a writer. Therefore. I am not sane.

I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor sh...

Two-thirds of all preachers, doctors and lawyers are hanging on to the coat tails of progress, shout...

It's not an accident that both my sister and I are writers. Our parents created an accidental Petri ...

Let me ask you something, in all the years that you have...undressed in front of a gentleman has he ...

My heart skipped a beat and then flat-out tripped over itself and fell on its face. Then my heart st...

Venice is beautiful, but like a Bergman movie is beautiful; you can admire it, but you don't really ...

I love my pizza so much, in fact, that I have come to believe in my delirium that my pizza might act...

If the retreat house was a trap, it was a very nice one.

No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be sma...

Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called ...

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I...

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a fo...

It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from...