Funny Quotes

Try to find someone with a sense of humor. That's an important thing to have because when you get in...

Every now and then, when I think about it, I think, 'What would I even talk about onstage?' It's nev...

I'm 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I'm playing right where I'm supposed to be. I'm...

It's funny, when bands or younger musicians ask me: 'So, what does it take to make it?' Well, first ...

[When asked about his thoughts on gods]I think it's like a movie that was way too popular. It's a st...

I am a writer. Therefore. I am not sane.

I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor sh...

Two-thirds of all preachers, doctors and lawyers are hanging on to the coat tails of progress, shout...

It's not an accident that both my sister and I are writers. Our parents created an accidental Petri ...

Let me ask you something, in all the years that you have...undressed in front of a gentleman has he ...

My heart skipped a beat and then flat-out tripped over itself and fell on its face. Then my heart st...

Venice is beautiful, but like a Bergman movie is beautiful; you can admire it, but you don't really ...

I love my pizza so much, in fact, that I have come to believe in my delirium that my pizza might act...

If the retreat house was a trap, it was a very nice one.

No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be sma...

Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called ...

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I...

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a fo...

It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from...

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clappin...

Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also ha...

If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birt...

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the c...

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:Yes.Yes.No.One time in high school.Three times in my twenties....

Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of "I think I'm a loser," try "I de...

When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn't try to stop me. Just a fr...

There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but wh...

I would say just start writing. You've got to write every day. Copy someone that you like if you thi...

Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making ne...

I was going through a little bit of turbulence in my career. And so, it's funny how turbulence itsel...

She held out a small voice recorder. 'By the way, could you describe exactly how you felt at the mom...

I know what dissipate means, Arty. I'm not three, for heaven's sake.

Naturally, we lunatics are the kindest of the bunch.

Time to do what he did best - plot dastardly acts.

... even one centimetre can make an awful lot of difference when you don't have many to spare.

The thing about a diversion is that it has to be diverting.

this was business.

No one's ever really ready for a troll.

Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.

Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't.

I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?

Tonight, history was going to be made. And it wasn't the discovery-of-radium, first-man-on-the-moon ...

You still awake?' asked the anesthetist.'Nope,' I replied.

Excuse me, Tex," the nurse said, hands on hips. 'Would you mind reining in the voice. There are babi...

Orion nodded, then asked, “Dwarf cheese?”“Cheese made by dwarfs.”“Oh,” said Orion, relieved. “They m...

The sarcasm made a slight whistling noise as it flew over Loafers' head.

So, Mr. Digence, home to visit the family?""That's right. My mother's folks are from Killarney.""Oh,...

Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?"Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled t...

At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, ...

Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

If, as I have reason to believe, I have disintegrated the nucleus of the atom, this is of greater si...

I would say 80% of the scripts I get are dramas and not comedies or romantic comedies, which is funn...

I`ve got a black woolen hat and it`s got Pervert written across the front of it. It`s the name of th...

He`s quite extraordinary with his moves and spins. I think he was a baton girl in a past life [on hi...

His was a great sin who first invented consciousness. Let us lose it for a few hours.

Probably more than any concrete vice or failing Amory despised his own personality - he loathed know...

I want you to lie to me just as sweetly as you know how for the rest of my life.

Never miss a party...good for the nerves--like celery.

I'll drink your champagne. I'll drink every drop of it, I don't care if it kills me.

It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people.

I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.

You know, I've always thought that it would be really funny if somebody made a romantic comedy where...

Funny is an attitude.

You're only as good as your last haircut.

I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties.

For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could...

I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.

California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange.

The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.

There have been two great narcotics in European civilisation: Christianity and alcohol.

The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of ...

Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a...

A breath?" she asked. She didn't want to kiss just any wooden man. He looked nice enough, but he mig...

As it 'appens, I am Arthur's right-hand man," said Suzy. "Or left-hand girl, I can't remember where ...

...in the unique case of a country’s geographic position, it is difficult to consider this factor as...

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still le...

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as...

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...

I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committi...

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with hu...

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and...

Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you c...

Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different....

Oh, you dear good father!" cried Mary, putting her hands round her father´s neck, while he bent his ...

And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fair...

what would you call this haircut?"arthur.

Although I have guitars all around, and I pick them up occasionally and write a tune and make a reco...

Shaga: How would you like to die, little man?Tyrion: In my bed, at the age of eighty with a belly fu...

There was a seminar for advanced students in Zürich that I was teaching and von Neumann was in the c...

I started studying law, but this I could stand just for one semester. I couldn't stand more. Then I ...