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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

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A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the fl...more

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Meow” means “woof” in cat.

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If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing...more

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In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

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Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck

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Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

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It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to ...more

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Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 ...more

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I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great...more

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THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.

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No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, assoc...more