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Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES ...more

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I feel like how you matter is defined by the things that matter to you. You matter as much as the things that matter to you do. And I got so backwards...more

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I figured something out," he said aloud. "The future is unpredictable."Hassan said, "Sometimes the kafir likes to say massively obvious things in a re...more

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Something about telling that story made my gut grow back together."What?"Oh, nothing. Just thinking out loud."That's who you really like. The people y...more

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I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.

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He reached up t0 grab one and came down with several, and they kept coming, washing over him, floating all around him. Never have tampon strings seeme...more

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He was a dying man looking down on the surgeons trying to save him.

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We fatties have a bond, dude. It's like a secret society. We got all kinds of shit you don't know about. Handshakes, special fat people dances-we got ...more

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JP shouted, "TELL THEM WHAT YOU JUST DID TO EACH OTHER!""Um," I said."We kissed," the Duke said."That's kinda gay," Keun said."I AM A GIRL.""Yeah, I k...more

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Sorry," I said to the Duke."Eh, it's not your fault. It's Carla's fault. You were turning the wheel. Carla just wasn't listening. I knew I shouldn't h...more

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The prank is entitled "Subverting the Patriarchal Paradigm".

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She has great breasts," the Colonel said without looking up from the whale."DO NOT OBJECTIFY WOMEN'S BODIES!" Alaska shouted.Now he looked up. "Sorry....more

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And we'll call you...hmmm. Pudge.""Huh?""Pudge," the Colonel said. "Because you're skinny. It's called irony, Pudge. Heard of it? Now, let's go get so...more

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She said, "It's not life or death, the labyrinth.""Um, okay. So what is it?""Suffering," she said. "Doing wrong and having wrong things happen to you....more

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I hated sports. I hated sports, and I hated people who played them, and I hated people who watched them, and I hated people who didn't hate people who...more