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Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

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What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

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It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

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When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how mu...more

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Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.

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This explains why, whenever a person says sie to me, I generally try to kill him, if a stranger.

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I have been scientifically studying the traits and dispositions of the “lower animals” (so-called,) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositi...more

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If a cat sits on a hot stove, that cat won't sit on a hot stove again. That cat won't sit on a cold stove either. That cat just don't like stoves.

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I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English―it is the modern way and the best way....more

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Ethical man - a Christian holding four aces.

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The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

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In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even openin...more

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A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

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Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect).

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My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.