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Parents are like God because you wanna know they're out there, and you want them to think well of you, but you really only call when you need somethin...more

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I still love him so much I'll hide any amount of conjugated estrogen in his food. So much I'll do anything to destroy him.

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Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?

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All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.

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Music is crucial. Beyond no way can I overstress this fact. Let's say you're southbound on the interstate, cruising alone in the middle lane, listenin...more

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Fathers. Mothers. With all their caring and attention. They will f--- you up, every time.

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Nothing shows you the straight line from here to death like a list.

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Maybe it's just a daughter's job to piss off her mother.

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If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

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Jack Palance was my distant uncle - that's the family gossip. Growing up, my family knew everything about his face getting burned and scarred in the m...more

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Women are already born so far ahead ability-wise. The day men can give birth, that's when we can start talking about equal rights.

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they should let some people into the library by prescription only

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We live and we die and anything else is just delusion. it's just passive chick bullshit about feelings and sensitivity. Just made-up subjective emotio...more

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Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.

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They told me that nothing was a sin, just a poor life choice. Poor impulse control. That nothing is evil. Any concept of right versus wrong, according...more