"

The only thing worse than having a party that no one attends is having a party attended only by two vastly, deeply uninteresting people.

"

Oh shit did you just dis the feminine genderI'll pummel your ass then stick you in a blenderYou think I like Tori and Ani so I can't rhymeBut I got fl...more

"

We are literally in the heart of Jesus," he said."I thought we were in a church basement, but we are literally in the heart of Jesus.""Someone should ...more

"

The champagne had been donated by one of Gus's doctors - Gus being the kind of person who inspires doctors to give their best bottles of champagne to ...more

"

Headline?" he asked."'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said."'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said."'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Se...more

"

Thanks for not trying to see me when I looked like hell.”“To be fair, you still look pretty bad.