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Could the two people who are making out please be quiet?" the Colonel asked loudly from his sleeping bag. "Those of us who are not making out are drun...more

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The only thing worse than having a party that no one attends is having a party attended only by two vastly, deeply uninteresting people.

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What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding in an hour.

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Oh shit did you just dis the feminine genderI'll pummel your ass then stick you in a blenderYou think I like Tori and Ani so I can't rhymeBut I got fl...more

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AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!' he screamed.'So that's Sara,' I said.'Yes.''She seems nice.

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This one's for Alaska Young!

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The Colonel led all the cheers.Cornbread!" he screamed.CHICKEN!" the crowd responded.Rice!"PEAS!"And then, all together: "WE GOT HIGHER SATs."Hip Hip ...more

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What the hell is that?" I laughed."It's my fox hat.""Your fox hat?""Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.""Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked."Because no o...more

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How can you read and talk at the same time?” I asked.“Well, I usually can’t, but neither the book nor the conversation is particularly intellectually ...more

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I found myself thinking about President William McKinley, the third American president to be assassinated. He lived for several days after he was shot...more

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Principled hate is a hell of a lot stronger than "Boy, I wish you hadn't mummified me and thrown me into the lake" hate.

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On some fundamental level we find it difficult to understand that other people are human beings in the same way that we are.

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Well," Ben went on,"someone should just tell her to come on home, because she can find the world's largest balls right here in Orlando, Florida. They'...more

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What are you assholes looking at?" "Nothing," said Radar. "We're certainly not looking at your eyebrows.

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But I was not in the band, because I suffer from the kind of tone deafness that is generally associated with actual deafness