Humour Quotes

I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When...

It was a smooth silvery voice that matched her hair. It had a tiny tinkle in it, like bells in a dol...

Neither of the two people in the room paid any attention to the way I came in, although only one of ...

You like it in jail?''It's not too bad. You don't meet the best people, but who the hell wants to?

You like it in jail?""It's not too bad. You don't meet the best people, but who the hell wants to?

You like it in jail?It's not too bad. You don't meet the best people, but who the hell wants to?

Wolfe still paid no attention to me. As a matter of fact, I didn't expect him to, since he was busy ...

That money talks, I'll not deny, I heard it once: it said, 'goodbye

Somebody should have taken him to a stationary store and pointed out the difference between an envel...

Baldrick: Have you got a plan, my lord?Blackadder: Yes I have, and it's so cunning you can brush you...

Again he shook his head. The world's gone mad, he thought. The dead walk about and I think nothing o...

I don't know any sad songs. Except for the funny ones.

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're...

England once there lived a bigAnd wonderfully clever pig.To everybody it was plainThat Piggy had a m...

I shall never have a bath again," I said. "Just dont have one too often," my grandmother said. "Once...

The matter with human beans," the BFG went on, "is that they is absolutely refusing to believe in an...

There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You'll see them all when you study the plan...

The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.

Yes, sir, there are things to see and do on the French Riviera without spending money.

It's a long story. Want a refill?""No, let's start the steak. Where's the button?""Right here.""Well...

Sex, whatever else it is, is an athletic skill. The more you practice, the more you can, the more yo...

Humour is the most engaging cowardice. With it myself I have been able to hold some of my enemy in p...

You're bloody insane, Karede," Mat said. "Unfortunately, so am I.

A man who trusts everyone is a fool and a man who trusts no one is a fool. We are all fools if we li...

And then, all of a sudden, he stopped, and his jaw dropped as though he had remembered something."Th...

Well! marriage is like death, it comes to all.

Three,' reckoned the captain, 'ourselves make seven, counting Hawkins, here. Now, about honest hands...

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

He created waterfalls for her out of the morning dew, and from the colored pebbles of a meadow strea...

The love of truth lies at the root of much humour.

But in every church there are people who, for reasons which seem sufficient to them, do not approve ...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professio...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wi...

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he want...

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or yo...

So it's off with the shellsuit and on with the Armanis,Bring out the champagne and the caviar sarnie...

I didn't cross the line, you drew it in after I traversed it.

Humour is an affirmation of dignity a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him.

-I love you, Lenny.-From the diaphragm.-What are you talking about?-You have to say it from the diap...

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

If politics were a musical, it would be "Promises, Promises".

Murderers! Stop murdering. Everyone will die eventually. Just sit down and be patient.

I regret that I didn’t realize that actually they’ve got no power over you at school — it’s all just...

There's one thing you don't put in a trap, if you're smart, if you value your continued existance, i...

I think if you come from a history of persecution you have to develop a sense of humour.

You can pretend to be serious but you can't pretend to be witty.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

People throw stones at you and you convert them into milestones.

The great are eternally at the mercy of tiny men. And also, tiny madwomen.

You can get anywhere in Pakistan if you know people, even into jail.

I remember one incident which bears upon this part of the treatise. The gentleman who gave it to me ...

I remember one incident which bears upon this part of the treatise. The gentleman who gave it to me ...

I remember one incident which bears upon this part of the treatise. The gentleman who gave it to me ...

I remember one incident which bears upon this part of the treatise. The gentleman who gave it to me ...

I remember one incident which bears upon this part of the treatise. The gentleman who gave it to me ...

I remember one incident which bears upon this part of the treatise. The gentleman who gave it to me ...

I remember one incident which bears upon this part of the treatise. The gentleman who gave it to me ...

I remember one incident which bears upon this part of the treatise. The gentleman who gave it to me ...

My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good...

Whoever thou art that, not content with a moderate condition, imaginest happiness in royal magnifice...

While an author is yet living we estimate his powers by his worst performance, and when he is dead w...

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.

I don’t know whether Asimov realized he was saying this as well, but as an old historical materialis...

Swans sing before they die— 't were no bad thing Should certain persons die before they sing.

To me she said, "It's this stupid gotcha thing, they've been doing it for weeks now. Leaping out at ...

I was distracted, thinking about what she'd said, until she got to this last part. "Sherman?" I said...

You know you've reached a new plateau of group mediocrity when even a Canadian is alarmed by your la...

If I'm out of my mind, it's all right with me, thought Moses Herzog.

Idiocy in the modern age isn't an all-encompassing, twenty-four-hour situation for most people. It's...

Lately...the Peter Principle has given way to the "Dilbert Principle." The basic concept of the Dilb...

Theory of Evolution (Summary)First, there were some amoebas. Deviant amoebas adapted better to the e...

Caldris led them over to a large covered basket that sat on the stones near the docked dinghy. He un...

... It's perfect! Locke would appreciate it.""Bug," Calo said, "Locke is our brother and our love fo...

Maybe the one real advantage to getting older is that you have the time to pull your head a little b...

What do you do,' said Jean, 'with, ah, "ungifted" children when you have them?''Cherish them and rai...

It’s an old Camorri tradition for when a bunch of people are planning something stupid,” said Locke....

She opened her mouth, clamped it shut again. This was new, this sudden favor shown Gloucester, had b...

Removing his helmet, Edward knelt by the stream called Swillgate, a name that effectively quenched a...

What followed was for him a very entertaining spectacle, with one of Edward's brothers seemingly int...

Well, dearest, what would you tell a farmer who had an over-abundant harvest? To plant less, of cour...

I said, "I'll take the T-bone steak."A soft voice mooed, "Oh wow."And I looked up and realizedThe wa...

Each time I see the Upside-Down ManStanding in the water,I look at him and start to laugh,Although I...

Rockabye Baby, in the treetopDont you know a treetopis no safe place to rock?And who put you up ther...

I was emotionally erect.

Prose fills a space, like a liquid poured in from the top, but poetry occupies it, arrays itself in ...

We Slovenians are even better misers than you Scottish. You know how Scotland began? One of us Slove...

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a ph...

Some guys step on a rake in the dark, and get mad and go punch somebody. Others step on a rake in th...

Well, some men learn by listening, some read, some observe and analyze — and some of us just have to...

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

On the Ning Nang NongWhere the Cows go Bong!And the Monkeys all say Boo!Theres a Nang Nong NingWhere...

A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush

Said Hamlet to Ophelia,I'll draw a sketch of thee.What kind of pencil shall I use?2B or not 2B?

With a roof over his head he had ceased to work, living off his [war] pension and his wits, both hop...

R.I.P.Tom Conlon O'Rourke.Not Dead, just Sleeping.

The clock in the church tower said 4.32, as it had done for three hundred years. It was right once a...