Humour Quotes

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.”"Don't vote. It just e...

I think choosing between men and women is like choosing between cake and ice cream. You'd be daft no...

There is nothing we can now call our own, for what we call so is the effect of art; crimes are made ...

All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.

MmmmmmI like that thing you do with your tongue. What do you call it? Speaking? Yeah, I dig it

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands

Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch ...

Personally, I don’t think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any...

Euthanasia" is an excellent and comforting word! I am grateful to whoever invented it.

I am a drinker with writing problems.

I have notes in my bathroom, yellow notes, and I stick 'em on the mirror, things that happened that ...

And he had been very badly treated by a girl too. He had thought her a really civilised and adult pe...

Martin, at my age, eroticism is reduced to enjoying caramel custard and looking at widows' necks.

Right then, in a nutshell: this one hasn't a single bone of obedient-little-wife material in her hea...

Then he started his period.One week in bed.Two doctors in.Three painkillers four times a day.And lat...

Actually, I am a failed anorexic. I have anorexic thinking, but I can't seem to muster the behavoir

A femme fatale and a warrior princess.

Just because you said dragon demons were extinct—""I said mostly extinct."Alec jabbed a finger towar...

She took out a shiny folded pamphlet, the kind they kept stacked in clear plastic stands in hospital...

Luke opened the pizza box and, finding it empty, shut it with a sigh."Though you did eat allthe pizz...

It's not my fault, that I'm flat chested and a midget!

At least Kyle wasn't home. That would be a hard one to explain to his new roomate. Nobody liked a gu...

No body told you to call your band Salacious Mold, my friend.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you smell like Magnus.

You stole a boat,” she snapped. “What am I doing with you, you boat-stealing lunatic?

Oh, I can never get enough. Which, incidentally, is what your sister said when--

While the Clave disapproves of trespassers, oddly they take an even darker view of beheading and ski...

So you're a Shadowhunter,' Nate said. 'De Quincey told me that you lot were monsters.''Was that befo...

Is this one of those days where we all stalk out in fury? Because I simply haven't got the energy fo...

D'you think he would have thought ahead like that?" said Henry. "Assuredly," said Will. "The man's a...

On a Tuesday they were we, and by Friday they were dead and they buried them in the courtyard side b...

You don't want him," she said to the pink-haired girl. "He has syphilis."The girls stared. "Syphilis...

I've been thinking of installing a train in my house. It could bring me shrimp crackers from the kit...

Hello? This is Clary Fairchild.”“Clary? It’s me, Emma.”“Oh, Emma, hi! I haven’t heard from you in ag...

Don’t kill her! Only maim her a little!

Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh...

Some people never go crazy. Me, sometimes I'll lie down behind the couch for 3 or 4 days. They'll fi...

Do you hate people?”“I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not around.

I began to feel like a kept man and it felt great.

And who among the company at Monseigneur's reception in that seventeen hundred and eightieth year of...

There was a piece of ornamental water immediately below the parapet, on the other side, into which M...

Company, you see - company is - is - it's a very different thing from solitude - an't it?

The year was dying early, the leaves were falling fast, it was a raw cold day when we took possessio...

Anything awful makes me laugh. I misbehaved once at a funeral.

The teller of a mirthful tale has latitude allowed him. We are content with less than absolute truth...

Happiness is waking up, looking at the clock and finding that you still have two hours left to sleep...

She nibbles her pencil... She's human!

There's our excuse... we'll blame everything on the round-headed kid!

Like the famous mad philosopher said, when you stare into the void, the void stares also; but if you...

The encapsulated bird your conspirators sent you to fetch. The sterilized male chicken with the Crea...

This has serveral consequences, starting with screwing over most cryptography algorithms--translatio...

Idiots emit bogons, causing machinery to malfunction in their presence. System administrators absorb...

Bob loses saving throw vs. shiny with a penalty of -5. Bob takes 2d8 damage to the credit card.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a sane employee in possession of his wits must be in wan...

Unfortunately it's also true to say that good management is a bit like oxygen - it's invisible and y...

Old Enochian running on neural wetware is not the fastest procedural language ever invented, and it’...

Many people find bald, unvarnished truths so disturbing, they prefer to ram their heads in the sand ...

It's spider season. Every year, right about now, thousands of the godless eight-legged bastards emer...

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which is a pity because this week the National Association of ...

Must be frustrating being a scientist. There you are, incrementally discovering how the universe wor...

If you truly believe you need to pick a mobile phone that "says something" about your personality, d...

pretty girls behave better when you ignore them.

Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid fo...

The word “future” and females is a dangerous combination.

At some point I was a Happy African Feminist Who Does Not Hate Men and Who Likes to Wear Lip Gloss a...

The bullets are gun-eggs,” Collingswood said to Baron, looking at Vardy. Farmers squeezing their hol...

Looking at a king's mouth, ' said an old man, 'one would think he never sucked at his mother's breas...

I have a sack of hate mail that I want to respond to. One day, when I’m tired or tipsy, I will respo...

Humour is the contemplation of the finite from the point of view of the infinite.

And that noise! It was enough to make that happy mailman on Mr. Rogers go postal!

We're all leaving now", Blue Eyes whispered to her. "Together. Out the front door. Scream, and we'll...

Xander Harris: Hair. Red. Red is good. Fire engines are red. Porsche's are red.

I think that people's sexual preferences are a legitimate subject for humour, dirty humour if at all...

Ever since I discovered that my god given male member was going to give me no peace, I decided to gi...

Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay.

Bad habits have brought me this far: why change such a tried-and-true formula?

It ought to be an offense to be excruciating and unfunny in circumstances where your audience is alm...

I had never before been a special fan of that great comedian Phyllis Diller, but she utterly won my ...

[He]said something that made it impossible to continue working for him.[The exact words were]You're ...

As he grew older, which was mostly in my absence, my firstborn son, Alexander, became ever more humo...

An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what ...

During the Bosnian war in the late 1990s, I spent several days traveling around the country with Sus...

In a Pyongyang restaurant, don't ever ask for a doggie bag.

It appears that countless women born between the years of 1965 and 1978 are in love with John Cusack...

The club is too loud to talk, so after a couple of drinks, everyone feels like the centre of attenti...

Either a species learns to control its own population, or something like disease, famine, war, will ...

Centuries ago, sailors on long voyages used to leave a pair of pigs on every deserted island. Or the...

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

First, I blow a hole in your face; then I go back inside, and sleep like a baby... I guarantee you.

Mark Spitz didn't ask about Harry. You never asked about the characters that disappeared from a Last...

Why do only the awful things become fads? I thought. Eye-rolling and Barbie and bread pudding. Why n...

What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of li...

He had them as spellbound as a room full of Ewoks listening to C-3PO.

In his autobiography Stravinsky relates that the first music he remembers was made by a peasant, wor...

Show me a woman who is prouder of her clean kitchen than of her collection of lingerie and I'll show...

Recklessness is almost a man's revenge on his woman.

Do you like singing?" Miriam asked her."If it is good," she said.Paul, of course, coloured."You mean...

If he speaks again without me knowing who he is, I will throw him out of the window. And I won't ope...

Langdon turned to Sophie. "Who is that? What... happened?"Teabing hobbled over. "You were rescued by...

And where," Socrates smiled, "is the universe?""The universe is well, there are theories about how i...