Humour Quotes

I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties.

Never did she find anything so difficult as to keep herself from losing her temper when she was sudd...

Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could...

My uncle would have about ten pints some nights and then drive us all home. I guess the feeling was ...

...There are too many idiots in this world. And having said it, I have the burden of proving it.

Most men are not wicked... They are sleep-walkers, not evil evildoers.

All I know about humour is that I don't know anything about it.

philosophy is not suited for the masses, what they need is holiness.

Today as always, men fall into two groups: slaves and free men. Whoever does not have two-thirds of ...

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

my heart has more rooms in it than a whore house

Horses frighten me as much as chickens do,’ he said.‘That is too bad, because lack of communication ...

As it 'appens, I am Arthur's right-hand man," said Suzy. "Or left-hand girl, I can't remember where ...

In the cramped confines of the toilet I had trouble getting out of my wet trousers, which clung to m...

A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.

In some company it’s perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your pric...

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rath...

When a man is happy enough to win the affections of a sweet girl, who can soothe his cares with croc...

On the other hand, she was disproportionately indulgent towards the failings of men, and was often h...

Remember: If you go for a walk with a friend in England, don't say a single word for hours; if you g...

Q. Why don't the British panic?A. They do, but very quietly. It is impossible for the naked eye to t...

When I am alone in the forest at night-time and jump from one tree to another, I often think that li...

On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.

It is Sunday afternoon, preferably before the war. The wife is already asleep in the armchair, and t...

That's one way we differ, Jaime and I. He's taller as well, you may have noticed.

No". Tyrion's voice was hoarse. "Sansa is no longer yours to torment. Understand that, monster." Jof...

Well, the drums gave me headaches, the sunlight flashing on my armor cooked me up like harvest day, ...

And what lesson can we draw from Volantene history?”“If you want to conquer the world, you best have...

Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go.

Go Ahead, call me all the names you want," Sansa said airily. "You won't dare when I'm married to Jo...

I learned long ago that it is considered rude to vomit on your brother

Your brother was a terrible traitor, I know, but if we start killing men at weddings they’ll be even...

My sister has mistaken me for a mushroom. She keeps me in the dark and feeds me shit.

A sword needs a sheath, heh, and a wedding needs a bedding.

I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully.

Everybody knows if you are too careful you are so occupied in being careful that you are sure to stu...

Whew,' he said, 'I'm glad that's over, Thomas. I've been feeling awfully bad about it.' It was only ...

You seem to like helping, taking care of people," he said. "That is admirable.""You enjoy being nurt...

It was almost noon when the plane touched down at the Triad airport on the outskirts of Greensboro. ...

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at th...

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a ...

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all ...

Kelly was not going to remove her glasses. No matter what the television said about it being safe to...

I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse ...

When Jan was called up to service a fourth time...my mother waited outside...the two of them were co...

Three times Jan had been called to the colours (the army), but each time had been deferred because o...

Gregor was a real drinker..he didn't drink because he was sad..(or) cheerful. He drank because he wa...

It was a red-flannel chest-protector, one of those large quasi-hygienic objects that with pills and ...

I had not, I said to myself, come into the future to carry on a miniature flirtation.

Eins var algengt hjá okkur ef spurt var um líðan einhvers manns: iss hann er feitur; en það þýddi að...

If we followed our feelings all the time we´d be like cats chasin´ their tails.

never say never. whoops - said it twice

I don't have a thing," Tengo said, "except my soul.""Sounds like a job for Mephistopheles," she said...

People soon get tired of things that aren't boring, but not of what is boring.

I don't think I'd want Mickey Mouse pimping for me anyway.

As women glide from their twenties to thirties, Shazzer argues, the balance of power subtly shifts. ...

It struck me as pretty ridiculous to be called Mr. Darcy and to stand on your own looking snooty at ...

Adams dealt him so sound a Compliment over his Face with his Fist, that the Blood immediately gushed...

And here, I believe, the wit is generally misunderstood. In reality, it lies in desiring another to ...

I think if Jeremy Corbyn got a cloak, he'd make a very good Gandalf.

The kangaroo has a double penis - one for week days and one for holidays.

Mirthfulness is in the mind and you cannot get it out. It is just as good in its place as conscience...

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humor. He will always use it in evidence ag...

No, she laughed." How on earth could that be done? If you try to laugh and say ‘No’ at the same time...

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the o...

This was the tricky bit. The really tricky bit, trickiness cubed.

Writing is the flip side of sex - it's only good when it's over.

Ah don't hate the English. They're just wankers. We are colonised by wankers. We can't even pick a d...

Most girls if you hold hands with them, their goddamn hand dies on you

I always pick a gorgeous time to fall over a suitcase or something.

Just think how many books I could've sold if Harry had been a bit more creative with his wand." -[On...

That's what yer little sister said,' said Hagrid, nodding at Ron. Met her jus' yesterday.' Hagrid lo...

Fred and George turned to each other and said together, “Wow — we’re identical!

Uncle Vernon’s face worked furiously. The idea of being taught consideration by a man who had just b...

What are we doing here? Has something gone wrong?”“Oh no, Ron,” came Fred’s voice, very sarcasticall...

Can I have a look at Uranus too, Lavender?

But I don’t think I’ve ever known such a natural at Potions!” said Slughorn. “Instinctive, you know ...

Draco Malfoy is a bad boy!" squeaked Dobby angrily.

Who's Kreacher?""The house-elf who lives here," said Ron. "Nutter. Never met one like him.""He is no...

Hello, Harry" said George, beaming at him. "We thought we heard your dulcet tones.""You don't want t...

Sure you can manage that broom, Potter?" said a cold, drawling voice.Draco Malfoy had arrived for a ...

I've decided to call him Norbert,' said Hagrid, looking at the dragon with misty eyes. 'He really kn...

Hagrid looked down at his umbrella and scratched his beard. 'Shouldn'ta lost me temper,' he said rue...

If only the hat had mentioned a house for people who felt a bit queasy, that would have been the one...

Ah! Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans! I was unfortunate enough in my youth to come across a vomit-fl...

Oh! That was poetry!" said Pippin. "Do you really mean to start before the break of day?

Short cuts make long delays.

Yes, I am here. And you are lucky to be here too after all the absurd things you've done since you l...

They made for his noise far quicker than he had expected. They were frightfully angry. Quite apart f...

There was a deep silence, only scraped on its surfaces by the faint quiver of empty seed-plumes, and...

Where was his knife, upon which he relied? He had cut cheese for their noonday meal, and had packed ...

I don't know very much but what I do know I know better than anybody, and I don't want to argue abou...

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.

... I've a thirst on me I wouldn't sell for half a crown.- Give it a name, citizen, says Joe.- Wine ...