Humour Quotes

These things sneak up on him for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a v...

Her metaphors for her children included barnacles encrusting a ship and limpets clinging to a rock.

I always thought eating was a ridiculous activity anyway. I'd get out of it myself if I could, thoug...

Here's a health to our Captain, so gallant and freeWhether stuck on a rock or asleep 'neath a treeOr...

Am I gay, am I straight? No, I'm just slutty. So, where's my parade? What about slut pride.

Pushing magic toward the candle, I willed it to light. Nothing happened.Irys made a strangled sound ...

We are searching for the same thing,” Stripey said.“How do you know?” Janco asked.“I read his mind.”...

Ouch! What are you doing, Karl, you broke my skull!

Summer is the time when it is too hot to do the job that it was too cold to do last winter.

During the gold rush its a good time to be in the pick and shovel business

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

It is not that I believe that there are too many idiots in this world, just that lightning isn't dis...

Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its...

When majority is insane, sane must go to asylum.

What would the new teacher, representing France, teach us? Railroading? No. France knows nothing val...

An oyster has hardly any more reasoning power than a scientist has; and so it it is reasonably certa...

He awoke at six, as usual. He needed no alarm clock. He was already comprehensively alarmed.

Why couldn't Rachel be a little more specific about the type of person she was? Goodness knew; if sh...

Impartially, shrewdly, I considered suicide, though not in my worst moments. The bottle of pills. Th...

Of course I’ve gone mad with power! Have you ever tried going mad without power? It’s boring and no ...

But we all had an agreement to let each other get away with everything! That's Capitalism!

Big flashy things have my name written all over them. Well... not yet, give me time and a crayon.

Only mediocrity can be trusted to be always at its best. Genius must always have lapses proportionat...

Humour is just another defence against the universe.

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So for every ten Jews beating th...

There’s a saying in Hardorn,” she continued. “‘You shouldn’t attempt to teach a goat to sing. It wil...

If they projected the fact that they are dangerous any harder, there would be little puddles of "dan...

Steerpike of the Many Problems,” said the Doctor. “What did you say they were? My memory is so very ...

We are off! And do we know it, not just because the world is yelling "Lift-off" in our ears, but bec...

He was the guy who always won the game of chicken because his opponents suspected he might actually ...

Is she dead?" called Zenda.Sort of," I shouted, "And the pizza's completely fucked too.

Men are pigs, darling. I really have every sympathy for women that they actually have to choose one ...

There is nothing harder to explain than humor.

Humor: the divine flash that reveals the world in its moral ambiguity and man in his profound incomp...

Tom began screaming, and I wondered if the baby's soft brain was, in this moment, changing shape in ...

She looked utterly betrayed, as betrayed as the most betrayed person in Shakespeare.

As usual, he saves his wife's for last. He leans on the cane and he looks at the headstone and he th...

.. when all this started, I asked myself, 'Am I going to withdraw from the world, like most people d...

Rock and roll, big band, the blues. He loved them all. He would close his eyes and with a blissful s...

Shame on you. Don't tell me you've been married for an hour and you've already got eyes for another ...

4:15. Not 4 not 4:30 but 4:15. She thought to intimidate me with the use of quarter hours.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine ru...

Well?" said Loki. "What about you, Heimdall? Do you have any suggestions?""I do," said Heimdall. "Bu...

This was beyond a joke. This had moved beyond foolishness, slipped over the line into genuine 24 kar...

He was cold, standing in a wood, talking to a big black bird who was currently brunching on Bambi.

Note for Americans and other aliens: Milton Keynes is a new city approximately halfway between Londo...

Some people have great ideas maybe once or twice in their life, and then they discover electricity o...

Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas.

The house in the story is based on my friend Tori's house in Kinsale, Ireland, which is obviously no...

Don’t know if it’s good or bad that a Google search on “Big Bang Theory” lists the sitcom before the...

If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end...

Daddy loved his son. Daddy believed his son walked on water. Daddy, Mike had long ago decided, was a...

There's always a 'but' when it comes to jobs. Like, I love my job but my colleagues are first-rate, ...

I'll be with my sister. And believe it or not, she has a phone and everything. She stopped using smo...

Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world...

When someone uses the phrase ‘the prick one’, and you know immediately that this is a synonym for th...

It struck him that how you spent Christmas was a message to the world about where you were in life, ...

I fell in love with football as I was later to fall in love with women: suddenly, inexplicably, uncr...

One day, maybe not in the next few weeks, but certainly in the conceivable future, someone will be a...

Look at all the things that can go wrong for men. There’s the nothing-happening-at-all problem, the ...

Tucker, please put him down," said Annie. "You're frightening Jackson.""He's not," said Jackson. "It...

I tried to make sense of things. Now that I think about it, I have always tried. It could be my epit...

Pamper a tomato, overfeed it, overwater it and you will get a Paris Hilton of a tomato.

Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.

I am who I am and that's who I am

Tell me what you do with the food you eat, and I’ll tell you who you are. Some turn their food into ...

Neither (brother) even glaced at the counter. She smiled. Her dumb brothers never cooked. She didn’t...

(on learning Westlife had beaten Oasis, U2 and The Beatles in an album chart battle in November 2006...

He's like a man with a fork, in a world of soup. (about his brother Liam)

Higgledy piggledy, my black hen,She lays eggs for gentlemen.Gentlemen come every dayTo count what my...

I don't care how much you eat, Ender, self-cannibalism won't get you out of this school.

Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can d...

Ulysses was an elaborate prank, and our supposed intellectual elite continue to fall for it.

Another oral exam, huh?' Peter said.'Shut up, Peter,' said Valentine.'You should relax and enjoy it,...

Ender began to eat, slowly and carefully, pretending not to notice he was the center of attention.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor t...

I'm too old to know everything

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be res...

I have no objection to anyone’s sex life as long as they don’t practice it in the street and frighte...

People who count their chickens before they are hatched act very wisely because chickens run about s...

Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.

He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not loo...

Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman

LORD ILLINGWORTH: The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life.MRS ALLONBY: And ...

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast

The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.

Oh, I hate the cheap severity of abstract ethics!

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

Lady Bracknell, I hate to seem inquisitive, but would you kindly inform me who I am?

Well I won't argue about the matter. You always want to argue about things.That is exactly what thin...

Books are well written, or badly written. That is all.

I wish you would tell me your secret. To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except ...

Women treat us [men] like humanity treats gods – they worship us and keep bothering us to do somethi...

I should fancy, however, that murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cann...

Indifference is the revenge the world takes on mediocrities.

I learned early and at that kitchen table that there are ways of avoiding, without guilt, the commit...

Charm is often despised but I can never see why. No one has it who isn't capable of genuinely liking...

Oh, is that my report, father?' said Mike, with a sort of sickly interest, much as a dog about to be...

Mac had many admirable qualities, but not tact. He was the sort of man who would have tried to cheer...

No sir," said Mr Molloy. "I'm mighty sorry I can't meet you in any way, but the fact is I'm all fixe...