Humour Quotes

I liked, as I like still, to make words look self-conscious and foolish, to bind them by mock marria...

Candide, who trembled like a philosopher, hid himself as well as he could during this heroic butcher...

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Colonel Talbot? he is a very disagreeable person, to be sure. He looks as if he thought no Scottish ...

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing,you got to admit that each party is worse th...

We are all here for a spell get all the good laughs you can.

A funny yet interesting read, Will Self knowa his stuff and must do a lot of deep research.

... a man aint so different from a horse or a mule, come long come short, except a mule or a horse h...

I got this to say. You're acting like a crowd of kids.

Mr Moss's courtyard is railed in like a cage, lest the gentlemen who are boarding with him should ta...

His Scotch bear-leader, Mr Boswell, was a butt of the first quality.

Revenge may be wicked, but it’s natural.

two Lesbian Agents with glazed faces of grafted penis flesh sat sipping spinal fluid through alabast...

Poverty, hatred, war, police-criminals, bureaucracy, insanity, all symptoms of The Human Virus.

Oh be careful! There they go again!" said the old queen as his string broke spilling his balls over ...

To talk well and eloquently is a very great art, but that an equally great one is to know the right ...

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horr...

There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says...

Having been engaged rather a lot of times, Zsa Zsa Gabor was asked whether a lady should give back t...

Wherever I am, there's always Pooh,There's always Pooh and Me.Whatever I do, he wants to do,"Where a...

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Hypocrite: The man who murdered his parents, and then pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was a...

An Ass put on a Lion's skin and wentAbout the foreset with much merriment,Scaring the foolish beasts...

It's all very well to talk like that,” said Mr. Rafiel. “We, you say? What do you think I can do abo...

I often wonder why the whole world is so prone to generalise. Generalisations are seldom if ever tru...

In fact,' said Poirot, 'she stabbed him in the dark, not realising that he was dead already, but som...

Oh! Do not excite yourself. Shall I say that he interested me because he was trying to grow a mustac...

Bottled, was he?" Said Colonel Bantry, with an Englishman's sympathy for alcoholic excess. "Oh, well...

Edna restored the toffee to the centre of her tongue and sucking pleasurably, resumed her typing of ...

What an absurdity to go and bury oneself in South America, where they are always having revolutions.

There! Now we're friends!" declared the minx. "Say you're sorry about my sister -""I am desolated!""...

A man when he is making up to anybody can be cordial and gallant and full of little attentions and a...

They fuck you up, your mum and dad', and if you're planning on writing that's probably a good thing....

We started off trying to set up a small anarchist community, but people wouldn't obey the rules.

How did you . . . pass the time?’ Sunday asked. ‘You couldn’t just ching out of it, could you?’‘We h...

I don't want to be a genius-I have enough problems just trying to be a man.

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

Nonsense is an assertion of man's spiritual freedom in spite of all the oppressions of circumstance.

He was a philosopher, if you know what that was.’‘A man who dreams of fewer things than there are in...

First of all, you must never speak of anything by its name -- in that country. So, if you see a tree...

I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.

Don't talk for five minutes, there's a good chap! I've a strange feeling come over me--almost as if ...

The Victrola, the Movies, a lecture: such are the three American alternatives to Silence, Scandal an...

Has anyone sen Mr Snark " "I saw him in the tunnel about 15 minutes ago." "Oh no " wailed Dr Ferman ...

Mma Ramotswe tucked the cheque safely away in her bodice. Modern business methods were all very well...

So it was perfectly possible that there were men who liked shopping, men who understood exactly what...

No plaque reminds the passer-by of these glories, although there should be one; for those who invent...

Pete couldn't believe how sanctimonious somebody could be just because they'd once had a soldering i...

The total absence of humour from the Bible is one of the most singular things in all literature.

Naw, I say. Mr ____, can tell you, I don't like it at all. What is it to like? He git up on you, hei...

Sofia the kind of woman no matter what she have in her hand she make it look like a weapon.

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a ...

These days, you could stage a three-point orgy in the garden and nobody would bat an eye...

Child, if such folks awe you, then picture them on the lavatory, straining, constipated. They will a...

The lovely Hazard girls', they used to call them. Huh. Lovely is as lovely does; if they looked like...

Preserve me from such cordiality! It is like handling briar-roses and may-blossoms - bright enough t...

Do you know what I think about crying? I think some people have to learn to do it. But once you lear...

She scarcely spoke at all and might have been one of those huge dolls which, when inclined backwards...

What a shabby lot of highbrows have turned out tonight," he said, when he saw us. "It makes me asham...

There is, perhaps, no greater hardship at present inflicted on mankind in civilised and free countri...

Lebedev: France has a clear and defined policy... The French know what they want. They just want to ...

Ivanov: Gentlemen, you've again set up a drinking shop in my study... I have asked each and every on...

I gather you yellow-skinned men, despite your triumphs in sewage, drinking water, and Olympic gold m...

Inconvenience in progress, work is regretted.

The worst part of being a driver is that you have hours to yourself while waiting for your employer....

The two of them kept an eye open for every tree or temple we passed by, and turned to me for a react...

Humour is the only test of gravity and gravity of humour for a subject which will not bear railler...

Well, Watson, what do you make of it?'Holmes was sitting with his back to me, and I had given him no...

...Recognising, as I do, that you are the second highest expert in Europe--""Indeed, sir! May I inqu...

A sense of humour is the only divine quality of man

Do you know what she did today?" He leaned confidentially across the table, pointing at the dishes i...

The room looks as if a giant dog after a large lunch of food, socks, paints, trousers and pencils, w...

We have buried the putrid corpse of liberty

So a good man can be a bad Christian?""I suppose so.""Then a bad man," I said, "can be a good Christ...

I am not sure,' Mordecai told Thomas, 'whether omens can be trusted.''Of course they can.''I should ...

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a cleve...

A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine li...

For the moment we might very well can them DUNNOS (for Dark Unknown Nonreflective Nondetectable Obje...

…a waitress came out and plonked in front of each of us a small standard terra-cotta flowerpot in wh...

[About Uluru] I'm suggesting nothing here, but I will say that if you were an intergalactic traveler...

The pleasant fact is that the British are not much good at violent crime except in fiction, which is...

The idea of getting a, you know, syringe full of heroin and shooting it in the vein under my cock ri...

I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, t...

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.

I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that...

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most cer...

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

When a person pauses in mid-sentence to choose a word, that's the best time to jump in and change th...

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.”"Don't vote. It just e...

I think choosing between men and women is like choosing between cake and ice cream. You'd be daft no...

There is nothing we can now call our own, for what we call so is the effect of art; crimes are made ...

All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.

MmmmmmI like that thing you do with your tongue. What do you call it? Speaking? Yeah, I dig it

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands

Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch ...