"

The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that...more

"

Dear Teens at Starbucks wearing 'Abstain from Sex 2 Attain Ur Goals' t-shirts: Doesn't it depend on what my goals are?

"

I wish I knew how to quit you, Tumblr.

"

Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome.

"

Nerd life is just so much better than regular life.

"

Just deleting vandalism on the Chuck Norris page," Radar said. "For instance, while I do think that Chuck Norris specializes in the roundhouse kick, I...more

"

Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than b...more

"

I don't know where people got the idea that characters in books are supposed to be likable. Books are not in the business of creating merely likeable ...more

"

Harry Potter isn’t real? Oh no! Wait, wait, what do you mean by real? Is this video blog real? Am I real if you can see me and hear me, but only throu...more

"

(I didn’t tell him that thediagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.)

"

This squirrel is inadequately afraid of humans! Squirrel, I am a threat to you! We are enemies! Please get off my bench! Oh, god! Oh, god! Don't touch...more

"

We were kissing.I thought: This is good.I thought: I am not bad at this kissing. Not bad at all.I thought: I am clearly the greatest kisser in the his...more

"

If my public existence does anything worthwhile, hopefully it at least demystifies the author a bit, because I know when I was younger I felt like aut...more

"

Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.

"

These are all direct quotes, except every time they use a curse word, I'm going to use the name of a famous American poet:'You Walt Whitman-ing, Edna ...more