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But alas, the world is not a wish-granting factory.

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Dear Teens at Starbucks wearing 'Abstain from Sex 2 Attain Ur Goals' t-shirts: Doesn't it depend on what my goals are?

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Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome.

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Just deleting vandalism on the Chuck Norris page," Radar said. "For instance, while I do think that Chuck Norris specializes in the roundhouse kick, I...more

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For me, at least, fiction is the only way i can even begin to twist my lying memories into something true.

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Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than b...more

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I don't know where people got the idea that characters in books are supposed to be likable. Books are not in the business of creating merely likeable ...more

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(I didn’t tell him that thediagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You’re a woman. Now die.)

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This squirrel is inadequately afraid of humans! Squirrel, I am a threat to you! We are enemies! Please get off my bench! Oh, god! Oh, god! Don't touch...more

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If my public existence does anything worthwhile, hopefully it at least demystifies the author a bit, because I know when I was younger I felt like aut...more

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Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.

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These are all direct quotes, except every time they use a curse word, I'm going to use the name of a famous American poet:'You Walt Whitman-ing, Edna ...more

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Maybe Harry Potter is real and you're not.

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Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES ...more

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I figured something out," he said aloud. "The future is unpredictable."Hassan said, "Sometimes the kafir likes to say massively obvious things in a re...more