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I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

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The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

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It is not that I believe that there are too many idiots in this world, just that lightning isn't distributed right.

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The government of my country snubs honest simplicity but fondles artistic villainy, and I think I might have developed into a very capable pickpocket ...more

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Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.

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The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

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By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity – another man’s, I mean.

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When majority is insane, sane must go to asylum.

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I persuaded him to throw the dirk away and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.

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The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet...more

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What would the new teacher, representing France, teach us? Railroading? No. France knows nothing valuable about railroading. Steamshipping? No. France...more

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Jim said he believed it was spirits, but I says: no, spirits wouldn't say "dern the dern fog".

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In the afternoon the ship's company assembled aft, on deck, under the awnings; the flute, the asthmatic meodeon, and the consumptive clarinet crippled...more

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An oyster has hardly any more reasoning power than a scientist has; and so it it is reasonably certain that this one jumped to the conclusion that the...more

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I have been scientifically studying the traits and dispositions of the “lower animals” (so-called,) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositi...more