"If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.
That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.
More Stephen Colbert quotes
"Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them or...
"If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got...
"Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.
"I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everythi...
"Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my p...
"Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...i...
"I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Ira...
"In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.
"I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers ...
"If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
"Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?
"Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. How is...
"The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls...
"According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a family is defined as two or more people living together who are related by birth, marriage or adoption. In othe...