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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People a...more

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I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

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I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

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I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

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If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

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I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

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It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.