If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
"
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
"
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
"
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
"
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
"
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
"
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People a...
"
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
"
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
"
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
"
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
"
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
"
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
"
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
"
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
