"

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

"

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

"

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

"

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

"

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

"

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

"

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People a...more

"

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

"

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

"

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

"

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

"

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

"

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

"

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

"

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.