"

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work I want to achieve it through not dying.

"

Life doesn't imitate art it imitates bad television.

"

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

"

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

"

The most expensive sex is free sex

"

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

"

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

"

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

"

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

"

Ninety percent of living is just showing up.

"

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

"

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

"

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

"

I do not believe in an afterlife although I am bringing a change of underwear.

"

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.