Comedy Quotes

Right then, in a nutshell: this one hasn't a single bone of obedient-little-wife material in her hea...

It is the custom on the stage: in all good, murderous melodramas: to present the tragic and the comi...

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, peopl...

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite th...

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good...

Let's not call physical comedy falling down and pratfalls. All humor is physical, no matter how you ...

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black gu...

You got a gun, you don't have to work out.

It takes intelligence to make real comedy, and it takes a reality base to create all that little stu...

I had never before been a special fan of that great comedian Phyllis Diller, but she utterly won my ...

According to the rules of comedy, your suffering will be funny after an undetermined length of time....

Ah! good Sir! no Whores before Dinner, I beseech

Music and comedy are so linked. The rhythm of comedy is con­nected to the rhythm of music. They’re b...

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say w...

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on slut...

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist ...

If I can make a teacher's salary doing comedy, I think that's better than being a teacher.

The girl says "Oh uh-uh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just because I'm dressed this way does not ma...

So what we are right now is a pair of dickweeds in a hotel room in Sydney. My life is royally fucked...

For a romantic comedy to be three hours long, that's longer than most marriages.

Commercial comedy's often set up to feature an ironist makingdevastating sport of someone who's naiv...

Life in the movie business is like the beginning of a new love affair: it's full of surprises, and y...

Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and ...

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, I...

I watched 60 Minutes...and they showed this woman, she's in every kind of..thing like that. 'This wo...

Artist communities love to bullshit each other and glad-hand one another, and there's no room for th...

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays

The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down his throat.

Yes. They are the words that finally turned me into the hermit I have now become. It was quite sudde...

It faintly irritated him that Zaphod had to impose some ludicrous fantasy on to the scene to make it...

You barbarians!' he yelled. 'I'll sue the council for every penny it's got! I'll have you hung, draw...

I wanted to join Footlights,” he says. “I wanted to be a writer-performer like the Pythons. In fact ...

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

A Wasn’t just isn't. He just isn't present. But you… You ARE YOU! And, now isn't that pleasant!

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it'...

The only ironic thing about that song is that it's called 'Ironic' and it is written by a woman who ...

I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom li...

Believe nothing you hear, and only one half that you see.

I am a big fan of the old Howard Hawks films from the 30s and 40s, I was a big Hepburn and Tracey fa...

At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, ...

Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn'...

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

All children in those small-town, unhurried days had a vast inner life going on in the movies. Child...

For the record, folks; I never took a shit on stage and the closest I ever came to eating shit anywh...

I like to watch the news, because I don't like people very much and when you watch the news ... if y...

A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs tr...

The Ultimate Rule ought to be: 'If it sounds GOOD to you, it's bitchin'; if it sounds BAD to YOU, it...

Sin and grace, absence and presence, tragedy and comedy, they divide the world between them and wher...

... the preacher speaks both the word of tragedy and the word of comedy because they are both of the...

We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the bees, sa...

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still le...

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

They’re not pro-life. You know what they are? They’re anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. The...

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

The animals were happy as they had never conceived it possible to be. Every mouthful of food was an ...

Laughter is the only free emotion - the only one that can't be compelled. We can be made to fear. We...

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

The Prince stood beside the timpanist to count his rests for him and see that he came in in the righ...

Adams dealt him so sound a Compliment over his Face with his Fist, that the Blood immediately gushed...

The effort really to see and really to represent is no idle business in face of the constant force t...

Here comes Mamma Vauquerr, fair as a starrr; and strung up like a bunch of carrots. Aren't we suffoc...

It seemed to us that all people to a greater or lesser degree belong to one of these two types, that...

Comedy, we may say, is society protecting itself - with a smile.

And I must draft an advertisement for the Daily Prophet, too,' he added thoughtfully. 'We'll be need...

Says O'Sullivan to me, "Mr. Fay, I'll have a word wid yeh?" "Certainly," says I; "what can I do for ...

The appreciative smile, the chuckle, the soundless mirth, so important to the success of comedy, can...

Comedy has to be done en clair. You can't blunt the edge of wit or the point of satire with obscurit...

I love doing comedy. Absolutely love it. After 'Wedding Crashers,' people suddenly realized that it ...

So my humor, I'd say, comes from a mixture of lowbrow comedy shows and highbrow theater. It's an int...

Comedy was one of those genres that while appearing quite jolly was actually highly dangerous.

Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel.

We're all screwed up. And the way Christians mess things up is we act like we've got it going on. An...

How do i do this?

…you either do or do not have a comedy mind, whatever that is, maybe a heightened sense of the ridic...

I am driven. Being driven is my energy source. It is my fun.…I believe that where there is action, t...

I had a blind date with a dentist — and he told me to come back in six months.

The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be clean...

The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a but...

When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back...

Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world ...

Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a cr...

It gathers emotionally inside you, in a strange way a by-product of struggle, of a willingness to do...

Liked" was the kiss of death. "Loved" or "hated" interested him. At least the performer had aroused ...

Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and emb...

I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math — if Johnny has te...

…but I think comedy is more aggressive than that. It is a medium for revenge. We can deflate and pun...

People say it is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money you ca...

Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening…

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my fac...

To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don't really worry that much about what other people t...

Freedom from likes and dislikes, the sudden sense of identification, the spirit of comedy.