Humorous Quotes

Yes, he's an equal opportunity asshole," Szilard said. "And he's aware of it, which he thinks means ...

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

A reputation for money is almost as negotiable as money itself.

This is the sixty-nine," I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers -- tw...

I don't want to make sacrifices. I want to make dough.

wear flannel next to your skin, and never believe in eternal punishment.

[representative government is] deciding once in three or six years which member of the ruling class ...

I was behaving, just like I promised, but fate intervened.

On Decoration Day, while everyone else in town was at the cemetery decorating the graves of our Glor...

Another example of getting flack from the boys is what happened when Jack Black dumped me. That’s ri...

If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble lat...

Lions and tigers and Funkyoid, oh my!

I know, I know. I rescued him and he’s bonded to me like a baby duck.

who me?"anita blake seriesby: Laurell K Hamilton

Bessie was News, Leaders, and Gossip; Enid was Features, Make-up and general Sub. Whenever they were...

Himmlisch ist's wenn ich bezwungen Meine irdische Begier; Aber doch wenn's nich gelungen Hatt' ich a...

There are worse things than eating the dead, my dear fellow. Far worse things. There is, for instanc...

World opinion, though sharply divided on nuclear tests and the risk of atmospheric pollution, could ...

Madam, I have just come from a country where people are hanged if they talk.

Boys don't make passes at female smart asses.

...I do have to wonder what sort of childhood the Grimm brothers endured. They are not a merry bunch...

Two things never mix: one is enchantments and the other is meddling with them.

-"He loved her...It was noble of him. It was beautiful."-"It was stupid.

Forgive me....I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, ...

She was the only doctor's wife in Branford, Maine, who hung her wash on an outdoor clothesline inste...

A true Vor, Miles told himself severely, does not bury his face in his liegewoman's breasts and cry—...

Now, tomorrow Miss Laurie McCrae and me, we have an appointment with a sky pilot who will make it pr...

Never can tell when you might come on somebody needs skinning.

(Malory, unhopeful: "I don't suppose you have any tea?" Jesse: "DO YOU WANT EARL GREY OR DARJEELING?...

So here's my theory, and this is such crap science, I don't have to tell you. It's science without m...

In her small voice, Persephone said, "I have nothing to add." After a moment of consideration, she a...

Genitals are a great distraction to scholarship

It is a mistake," Labruyère tells us, "to be in love without an ample fortune.

Pink is supposed to weaken your enemies, make them go soft on you, which must be why it's used for b...

I’m not mad because I’m a woman,” I say. “I’m mad because you’re an asshole.

You always do good ones. We trust you, Mr. Duke," Says Dylan. Foolish lads, thinks Felix: never trus...

Perhaps he was merely being friendly. Perhaps he saw the look on my face and mistook it for somethin...

The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French.

It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt

Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.

The government of my country snubs honest simplicity but fondles artistic villainy, and I think I mi...

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some brig...

Diligence and attention soon gave him the knack of it, and he strode down the street with his mouth ...

He done his level best.Was he a mining on the flat..He done it with a zest..Was he a leading of the ...

I don't necessarily agree with everything that I say.

'Your brain doesn't process language quite like other people. Why that is, I have no idea.' 'I have...

Certainly no one has ever died of an unrequited passion—it's usually the ones that are requited that...

When you want something done, you ask a man. When you want it done quietly and without any fuss, you...

How's the blood-stream, my dear, invaluable little woman? How's the blood-stream?"..."It's quite com...

The baby, not too young to start knowing the ledge, the cold truth, the life-and-death facts of it a...

One of the fundamental axioms of masculine self-regard is that the tools and appurtenances of a man'...

A mere redrawing of borders, a change in governments, those things can never faze a Jewess with a go...

It was the job of people like me to make up reasons, to spin a plausible yarn. And it’s amazing what...

Buy potatoes,” he said. “Gotta hop.” Then he hung up. Of course. A cloud of fallout would threaten E...

He shouted into the phone, “That is fuckin’ awesome. I mean fuckin’ awesome. I fuckin’ mean fucking ...

The difference between Strauss and Ranieri?” says one trader still at Salomon. “That’s easy. Strauss...

Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.

The "word" did not "offer itself" in a take-it-or-leave-it fashion, any more than Caesar's heralds w...

He had spoken with such absolute confidence that I knew he had to be blowing this out of his rectal ...

The Deliverator's car has enough potential energy packed into its batteries to fire a pound of bacon...

Well?" said Loki. "What about you, Heimdall? Do you have any suggestions?""I do," said Heimdall. "Bu...

It's not what I'd want for at my funeral. When I die, I just want them to plant me somewhere warm. A...

It was not that he was feckless, more that he had simply not been around the day they handed out fec...

She's realized the real problem with stories -- if you keep them going long enough, they always end ...

A table for TONIGHT should certainly have been booked years before-perhaps, it was implied, by Richa...

He had had a severe shock some weeks earlier, when, having narrowly failed to capture a large grey-b...

Dean: If there is a greater power, why is it he can't get you a new sweater?Jamie: Because, he's too...

There is something called the rapture of the deep, and it refers to what happens when a deep-sea div...

Oh, how I regret not having worn a bikini for the entire year I was twenty-six. If anyone young is r...

Certainly there are things in life that money can’t buy, but it’s very funny – Did you ever try buyi...

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

In this, then, lies their power of understanding--understanding, without words, what is authentic or...

Do you know why Satan is so angry all the time? Because whenever he works a particularly clever bit ...

Men always want to be a woman’s first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle...

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything el...

Bad artists always admire each others work.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.

ALGERNON. I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But ...

You don't seem to realise, that in married life three is company and two is none.

They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance.

Mary Farquhar, who always flirts with her own husband across the dinner-table. That is not very plea...

But beauty, real beauty, ends where an intellectual expression begins. Intellect is in itself a mode...

Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-p...

I could still see that Pauline was one of the most beautiful girls I had ever met, but of the ancien...

It would take more than long-stemmed roses to change my view that you're a despicable cowardy custar...

She gave me another of those long keen looks, and I could see that she was again asking herself if h...

Shall I add a man to my collection?

He had a bright, reckless tenor that was always wandering off, looking for notes in the wrong places...

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s something quite different about you, from the last ti...

I don't need new boots I got bluchers back down home. Eff the effing bluchers I'll buy you new adjec...

You can crab over the morning paper and kick the shins of the guy in the next seat at the movies and...

There are times when every act, no matter how private or unconscious, becomes political. Whom you li...

Egad, I think the interpreter is the hardest to be understood of the two!

SNEER. But, what the deuce, is the confidante to be mad too?PUFF. To be sure she is. The confidante ...

It is a tedious cliché (and, unlike many clichés, it isn't even true) that science concerns itself w...

Pantheism is sexed-up atheism. Deism is watered-down theism.

I have considered the impudent accusations of Mr Dawkins with exasperation at his lack of serious sc...

That scientifically savvy philosopher Daniel Dennett pointed out that evolution counters one of the ...

Oh golly, Brer Fox, your forthright assertion—that evolutionary biology disproves the idea of a crea...

I know that not all my readers like my digressions, but the research that has been done on Caenorhab...