Humorous Quotes

I don't think I'd want Mickey Mouse pimping for me anyway.

I began to think I quite liked her really. It's always so nice to meet someone more badly behaved th...

I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.

The news that Daisy Miller was surrounded by half a dozen wonderful mustaches checked Winterbourne's...

I once met an RAF pilot who told me of what he called a "bird strike". This, rather unfairly in my v...

All those pathetically eager acid freaks who thought they could buy Peace and Understanding for thre...

The reefer butt is called a 'roach' because it resembles a cockroach… cockroach… cockroach…

How many more nights and weird mornings can this terrible shit go on? How long can the body and the ...

Living on pills, phone calls unmade, people unseen, pages unwritten, money unmade, pressure piling u...

Well," he said. "I hope to God I never make forty -- I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

He was staring hard, not at his wife and me but at his daughter watching us. In his cold pupil, in t...

You are an old pig!'one of them said to the other. 'And that is worse than being a young one.

Her sample drawings were clipped, rather subordinately, to her photograph. All of them were arrestin...

The one that sang, old Janine, was always whispering into the g***** microphone before she sang. She...

You’ve got to give the door something?’‘Yes,’ said Dumbledore. ‘Blood, if I am not much mistak

What an idiot.

Don’t let it worry you," said Ron. "It’s me. I’m extremely famous.

The wand picks you, you don't pick the wand.

Ron: Why spiders? Why couldn't it be "follow the butterflies?

Much as he detested Filch, Harry couldn't help feeling a bit sorry for him, though not nearly as sor...

Merlin's pants!

Why are you worrying about you-know-who?You should be worrying about u-no-poo!The constipation sensa...

The fireworks continued to burn and spread all over the school that afternoon. Though they caused pl...

Just because you’re allowed to use magic now you don’t have to whip your wands out for every tiny li...

Hermione: You! You foul loathsome evil little cockroach!

Hermione: You! You foul, loathsome, evil little cocroach!Ron: Hermione, no! He's no worth it.

Potter, you can skin Malfoy's shrivelfig.

Hagrid: Harry -- yer a wizard.Harry: I'm a what?

Ron: [mimicking Hermione] "It's Levi-OOOOH-sa not LevioSAR." She's a nightmare, honestly. It's no wo...

And now leave me in peace for a bit! I don't want to answer a string of questions while I am eating....

I may be a burglar...but I'm an honest one, I hope, more or less.

The only thing more difficult than persuading someone else to start having sex with you is persuadin...

Choose old people for enemies. They die. You win.

Nixon’s offences had been so long in the past, so much part of a different era that he now seemed li...

Elsa's joke Where do baby apes sleep? In apricots!

Not a week after Annie put her foot in Mrs. Huffmaster's duff, the Captain upped and laid down the d...

Those who do not complain are never pitied.

[Mrs. Allen was] never satisfied with the day unless she spent the chief of it by the side of Mrs. T...

I leave it to be settled, by whomsoever it may concern, whether the tendency of this work be altoget...

To exemplify, -a beautiful glossy nut, which, blessed with original strength, has outlived all the s...

Obstinate, headstrong girl!

I am no indiscriminate novel reader. The mere trash of the common circulating library I hold in the ...

And here is my sweet little Annamaria,’ she added, tenderly caressing a little girl of three years o...

The lieutenant’s fooling around again with the telegraph girl at the station,” said the corporal, af...

There are times when I am so unlike myself that I might be taken for someone else of an entirely opp...

He told us that it had been a fine day to-day, and we told him that it had been a fine day yesterday...

I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to s...

Thomas has the kind of whiter-than-white boyish grin that makes women's panties spontaneously evapor...

I'm going to use them to track him down and thwart him." "Thwart?" Sarissa asked."Thwart." I said. "...

You have a visitor, my lord." I frowned, "What?" "That is why I came in here. You have a visitor wai...

What's with that?” Butters screamed, his voice high and frightened. “Just covering his head with his...

I poke at my skull with a finger. It didn't feel soft or anything. I didn't feel insane. But if you'...

The demon trapped in the summoning circle screamed, slamming its crablike pincers against the unseen...

Being here? With you? I've met my subconscious, and he's not that sick.

Seedy wasn't a fair description for the place, because seeds imply eventual regrowth and renewal.

Ease off the martyr throttle.

...as nervous as a bird in a coal mine.

Paranoid? Probably. But just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that there isn't an invisible demo...

I had about as much chance to do that as I did of backpacking my car to the top of Mount Rushmore.

They'd paid some madman who thought he was a decorator a lot of money to make the place look hip and...

Smiling always seems to annoy people more than actually insulting them. Or maybe I just have an anno...

Billy squinted at me. "Why are you letting them go?""Because they're real.""How do you know?""The on...

As far as the Council is concerned, the U.S. Wardens are a bunch of mushrooms.""Eh?""Kept in the dar...

The Lord turned water into wine. All I'm suggesting is a trip to the grocery store.

For a time he read his Neil Diamond bible by the firelight. He paused, twisting nervously at his goa...

The sound of an English accent distracted her and lifted her spirits. She associated English accents...

For a time he read his Neil Diamond bible by the firelight. He paused, twisting nervously at his goa...

The sound of an English accent distracted her and lifted her spirits. She associated English accents...

There's something not quite Christian about it," Tony said. He sat back in his chair and looked up t...

If I wasn't a devil myself I'd give Me up to the Devil this very minute.

One of our professors described a lecture as 'a mystical process by which the notes on the pad of th...

Graham Chapman, co-author of the "Parrot Sketch", is no more. He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, h...

It is a curious fact that small boys are more terrified of their babysitters than small girls are. I...

None are so busy as the fool and knave.

So it happened at last: I was about to become a thief, a cheap milk-stealer. Here was your lash-in-t...

On the morning in question, she wore white shorts and a pink T-shirt that featured a green dragon br...

There's no romance in geometry," Lindsey answered. "Just you wait.

I am concussed,' I announced, entirely sure of my self-diagnosis.''You're fine,' Takumi said as he j...

She laughed. ''You seem pretty normal.''''You've never seen Ben snort Sprite up his nose and then sp...

I mingle with my peers or no one, and since I have no peers, I mingle with no one.

Mr Kingsley begins then by exclaiming- 'O the chicanery, the wholesale fraud, the vile hypocrisy, th...

Yes, he's an equal opportunity asshole," Szilard said. "And he's aware of it, which he thinks means ...

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

A reputation for money is almost as negotiable as money itself.

This is the sixty-nine," I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers -- tw...

I don't want to make sacrifices. I want to make dough.

wear flannel next to your skin, and never believe in eternal punishment.

[representative government is] deciding once in three or six years which member of the ruling class ...

I was behaving, just like I promised, but fate intervened.

On Decoration Day, while everyone else in town was at the cemetery decorating the graves of our Glor...

Another example of getting flack from the boys is what happened when Jack Black dumped me. That’s ri...

If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble lat...

Lions and tigers and Funkyoid, oh my!

I know, I know. I rescued him and he’s bonded to me like a baby duck.

who me?"anita blake seriesby: Laurell K Hamilton

Bessie was News, Leaders, and Gossip; Enid was Features, Make-up and general Sub. Whenever they were...

Himmlisch ist's wenn ich bezwungen Meine irdische Begier; Aber doch wenn's nich gelungen Hatt' ich a...

There are worse things than eating the dead, my dear fellow. Far worse things. There is, for instanc...

World opinion, though sharply divided on nuclear tests and the risk of atmospheric pollution, could ...